A survival comedy in 10 entries, starring a man, a mouse, and Microsoft Excel.
📘 Entry #1: The Great Milk Reconciliation
I once bought the wrong brand of milk.
It was logged.
Discussed.
Cross-referenced with prior purchases.
A Google Sheet link was sent to my inbox titled:
“Dairy Inconsistencies – Q3.”
📘 Entry #2: The Grandchild Birthday Crisis
Spent €20 on a present for my grandchild.
He hadn’t spent that on anyone in years.
The spreadsheet flagged it as “non-essential emotional spending.”
I was interrogated like I’d smuggled cash out of the country.
📘 Entry #3: The One With the €3.50 Candle
Bought myself a candle. €3.50.
He lit cigars with €50 notes on the terrace.
But sure, I was bankrupting the empire with my lavender indulgence.
“Candlegate” got its own tab.
📘 Entry #4: Air Con and Hypocrisy
I lived in a cardigan through Spanish summers.
Why?
He had air conditioning on for the wine.
But God forbid I put it on for my menopausal hot flashes.
Column G: “Unjustified Temperature Requests.”
📘 Entry #5: The Spreadsheet Wasn’t Just a File—It Was a Personality Trait
I had friends. Hobbies.
He had… VLOOKUP.
When our therapist asked how he showed affection, he said:
“I gave her access to the shared drive.”
📘 Entry #6: The Will Wasn’t Even Cold Yet
When the emotional abuse came to light and I said I was done?
He didn’t cry.
Didn’t beg.
Didn’t reflect.
He changed the will.
The spreadsheet was promoted to chief executor of his broken ego.
📘 Entry #7: My Money Wasn’t Mine
Had to ask permission to spend my own money on my own children.
But he could drop hundreds to impress a stranger with champagne.
Column B: “Linda – Questionable Family Loyalty Expenditures.”
Yes, he logged my love.
📘 Entry #8: He Gave Up Love But Kept the Ledger
Lost the marriage.
Lost the family.
Lost respect.
But hey—he still has the spreadsheet.
The one document he truly cherished.
Hope he and PivotTable are very happy together.
📘 Entry #9: Post-Divorce Peace, No Password Required
Guess what I don’t have now?
A spreadsheet.
Guess what I do have?
Peace.
Freedom.
And a scented candle in every room.
📘 Entry #10: Let This Be His Legacy
When people ask about him, I say:
“Oh, the Spreadsheet Guy? Yeah… he’s the reason I laugh now.”
Because after all he controlled, manipulated, and logged,
the one thing he couldn’t budget for was me finally leaving.
