I’ve been through every kind of abuse you can imagine:
👉 Financial
👉 Emotional
👉 Psychological
👉 Physical
And at some point in your healing, you sit with the most painful question of all:
“What kind of cruel, emotionally stunted person was I living with?”
People ask me, “But what did you see in him?”
I’m now asking myself the same thing.
But here’s the truth—when you’re caught in the cycle of abuse, especially over many years, your nervous system adapts to survive, not to question.
🧠 The brain in survival mode is wired to scan for safety, avoid conflict, and freeze or fawn to keep the peace. You don’t notice the full horror of the storm when you’re doing everything you can just to stand in it.
In the beginning, abusers don’t show you who they are. They show you who they think you want—kind, charming, attentive. They study your empathy, your kindness, your longing to be loved… and then slowly weaponize it against you.
🧬 From a neuroscience perspective, long-term abuse reshapes your brain.
You learn to:
- Minimize your needs
- Numb your gut instincts
- Ignore red flags
- Make excuses
- Rationalize cruelty
- Accept the unacceptable
Why? Because your nervous system is trying to survive.
Because your belief in love is stronger than your suspicion of danger.
Because they drip-feed pain in between crumbs of affection—keeping you trauma-bonded, confused, and exhausted.
So no, I didn’t fall for who he truly was.
I fell for the version of himself he pretended to be—the one who mirrored my values until he had enough control to start tearing me down.
And when you’re being gaslit daily, when your reality is constantly distorted, when love is conditional and affection comes with punishment—you stop trusting your own mind.
But now?
Now that the fog is lifting? I see it all.
He wasn’t broken.
He wasn’t lost.
He was calculated, controlling, and emotionally undeveloped—incapable of genuine intimacy, but perfectly capable of manipulation.
💡 Abuse isn’t always visible to the outside world—but the aftermath lives in your body, your brain, and your heart for years.
To anyone asking “What did I see in him?”
Please understand: It’s not about being foolish.
It’s about being targeted.
And the shame doesn’t belong to the survivor.
It belongs to the abuser.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
