When I first met him, I didn’t have the training I do now.
I hadn’t studied trauma, emotional abuse, or nervous system dysregulation. I hadn’t yet learned how the cycle of abuse works—or how deeply psychological manipulation can entangle even the strongest, most intelligent people.
So I did what many empathic people do:
I tried to love him into healing.
I believed that if I could understand him, I could reach him.
That if I studied, trained, and became a therapist, I might somehow be enough to help him change.
But healing doesn’t happen inside relationships where control, harm, or denial live.
And therapy doesn’t work when love clouds your clinical lens.
🧠Why You Can’t Be a Therapist When You’re Emotionally Involved
This is a crucial principle in psychology, and one many people misunderstand:
You cannot treat someone you are emotionally entangled with.
Not because you’re weak.
Not because you don’t know enough.
But because you care too much to be objective—and objectivity is the foundation of safe, effective therapeutic work.
When we’re emotionally involved:
- Our boundaries blur.
- Our nervous systems mirror theirs.
- Our self-worth gets tangled in their outcomes.
- And we stop seeing patterns—we start trying to fix them instead.
In short: empathy becomes enmeshment.
And that’s where we lose ourselves.
🔄 I Thought My Knowledge Would Save Us
As I studied trauma and passed each exam, I felt stronger, wiser, more capable. I believed that if I could understand the mechanisms of emotional abuse—if I could explain it clearly—then maybe, just maybe, I could reach him.
But healing isn’t something you can do for someone.
It’s something they must choose.
Consistently.
Consciously.
With accountability and humility.
He didn’t want to change. He wanted control.
And by the time I understood the full picture, I was already deep in the trauma bond—too close to see clearly.
🛑 Therapists Don’t Heal Partners. They Hold Space, Not Hope.
To be a great therapist, you must:
- Maintain boundaries
- Protect your own nervous system
- See clearly, without being clouded by love or fear
- Stay grounded in reality, not promises or potential
That’s why ethical practice is so firm:
No therapy with loved ones. No therapy with partners. No therapy with anyone whose outcome could break your heart.
🪞 What I Know Now—and What I’ll Do Differently
Now, I see it all more clearly. The red flags I missed. The energy I gave away too freely. The ways I abandoned myself to rescue someone who never wanted to be saved.
But I don’t shame myself for it.
Because I was never broken. I was just learning.
And now, I come from a place of lived experience and clinical insight.
In the future, I will:
- See the warning signs sooner
- Stay grounded in boundaries
- Hold back my energy with caution
- Keep my therapist hat on, and my heart safe
- And never again try to be the healer in a relationship where harm exists
Because great therapists don’t rescue people they love.
They stay outside the storm—so they can help others find their way out.
“I thought becoming a therapist would help me save the relationship.
But now I know—healing doesn’t happen when you’re entangled.
Love isn’t therapy.
And boundaries are the truest form of compassion.”✨ Have you ever tried to “help” someone because you believed you could love them into healing?
What did you learn about boundaries, energy, and emotional distance?
🌱 Final Words:
To anyone who has ever tried to be both a lover and a healer in the same relationship:
You were not weak. You were hopeful.
But hope without boundaries becomes self-abandonment.
Now, you rise with wisdom—and you’ll never give that power away again.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
