A Therapeutic Reflection on Communication in Abusive Relationships
Today, I found 17 old letters buried deep in a backup drive…
Seventeen “Dear Paul” letters I wrote during my years of surviving abuse — uncovered from a drive he had wiped clean back in October.
They were hidden. Silenced. Almost erased.
Just like I was.
📝 These weren’t love letters.
They were survival letters.
Written because it was the only way I could be heard.
Because I couldn’t speak to him without being punished, ignored, or locked out — emotionally and, at times, literally.
Since 2004, these letters became more frequent.
Each one a desperate attempt to reach someone emotionally unavailable.
Each one a breadcrumb trail of psychological, emotional, and financial abuse.
Looking back now, they are both heartbreaking and empowering — a record of pain, but also of persistence.
🧠 From a Psychological Lens
Why do victims write letters instead of talking?
Because the abuser has created an environment where speaking up is unsafe.
What begins as subtle gaslighting (“You’re too sensitive”) becomes overt control:
🔒 Silent treatment
🔒 Door slamming
🔒 Emotional shutdown
🔒 Financial control
🔒 Dismissal of feelings
🔒 Blame-shifting
Over time, the victim internalizes this message: “My voice doesn’t matter.”
So they write. Quietly. Alone.
Trying to explain instead of express.
Trying to fix instead of feel.
Trying to connect with someone who is actively disconnecting from empathy.
💔 The Subtlety of Abuse
This is why emotional and psychological abuse often goes unnoticed — even by the victims themselves.
It’s slow. It’s invisible. It’s insidious.
You don’t realize the damage until your self-worth is shattered and your nervous system is stuck in survival mode.
This is what I hope to share now — not to relive the pain, but to use it.
To educate, to empower, and to expose the many faces of domestic abuse.
Not just the bruises — but the letters, the frozen silences, the financial traps, and the invisible cages.
📘 What’s Next?
I’ll be preserving these letters.
They’ll be part of my book.
They’ll be read in domestic violence meetings and podcasts.
Because they speak to so many who are still living that silence.
And I’ll be sharing them not as a victim — but as a survivor, a voice, and a witness.
To help others name what they’re experiencing.
To let them know that love should never hurt, belittle, or erase.
And that healing is not only possible — it’s already happening.
To anyone writing letters instead of being heard —
I see you.
You are not overreacting.
You are not too sensitive.
You are surviving something that no one should have to.
But you can move forward.
And when you’re ready — your story will matter, your voice will rise, and you will thrive.
#DomesticAbuseAwareness #EmotionalAbuse #FinancialAbuse #TraumaRecovery #DearPaul #Gaslighting #NeuroscienceOfAbuse #TraumaInformedHealing #SurvivorVoices #PsychologicalAbuse #LettersFromTheSilentYears #SpeakYourTruth #FromSurvivingToThriving
