Starting a new relationship is a beautiful, hopeful time. Your brain is buzzing with dopamine and oxytocin—the chemicals that make us feel bonded, excited, and safe with someone new. But what happens when, early on, you hear whispers, rumors, or even clear warnings that this person might have an abusive past? Worse, what if you’ve already begun to emotionally invest and feel attached?
This is a complicated, emotionally charged situation that requires both care and clear-eyed awareness. Here’s how psychology and neuroscience can help us navigate these difficult waters.
1. Understanding the Brain’s Response: Why It’s Hard to Let Go
When you start to feel connected to someone, your brain’s reward system lights up. The release of dopamine (our “feel-good” neurotransmitter) and oxytocin (the “bonding” hormone) create strong emotional ties—even before the relationship is fully established.
This neurochemical cocktail makes it harder to listen to negative information. Your brain wants to believe in the good, to protect that feeling of safety and excitement. This is why, psychologically, we often minimize red flags or rationalize bad behavior early on.
2. The Impact of Psychological Trauma: Why Abuse is More Than Physical
Abuse is not only about physical harm; it deeply affects the nervous system and emotional regulation. Psychological abuse, in particular, rewires the brain’s threat detection system. It can cause hypervigilance, anxiety, and difficulty trusting others.
If your new partner has a history of abusive behavior, they may be carrying unresolved trauma or emotional dysregulation themselves. But—and this is crucial—their trauma is not your responsibility, nor is it an excuse for harmful behavior.
3. Listen to Your Nervous System: The Body Knows
Your body is a powerful early warning system. If you notice you feel anxious, tense, or unsafe around this person—no matter how small or vague the feelings—pay attention. Neuroscience shows that our autonomic nervous system reacts faster than our conscious mind can process.
That gut feeling is your nervous system trying to protect you from danger. Honor it. Don’t dismiss those internal alarms simply because you want the relationship to work.
4. Why Social Proof Matters, But You Need to Verify
Hearing from others that your partner might be abusive can feel like a shockwave. Social psychology reminds us that human beings rely heavily on social proof to make sense of others—especially new partners.
That said, it’s essential to distinguish between hearsay, misunderstanding, or vindictive rumors, and consistent patterns of abusive behavior. Seek multiple perspectives if possible, but always return to your direct experience with the person. Are their actions respectful, consistent, and transparent?
5. What to Do If You’re Already Emotionally Invested
If you’ve already started to build emotional ties, your brain may be caught in a ‘trauma bonding’ loop—a psychological pattern where intermittent kindness and affection get mixed with manipulation or control, creating a confusing and addictive connection.
In this case:
- Pause and Reflect: Take time to slow down the relationship. Emotional attachment grows stronger with time and intimacy, so slowing things down allows your brain to better evaluate the situation.
- Set Boundaries: Clearly define what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Healthy boundaries protect your emotional and physical well-being.
- Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a therapist who understands trauma and abuse dynamics. External perspectives help counteract the brain’s bias toward attachment.
- Educate Yourself: Learn about the neuroscience of abuse, trauma bonding, and emotional regulation. Knowledge empowers you to make informed decisions.
- Plan for Safety: If you sense any risk of emotional or physical harm, create a safety plan. Your well-being must come first.
6. Remember: You Deserve Safety and Respect
No matter how strong the initial bond feels, you deserve to be in a relationship where safety, respect, and emotional nourishment are non-negotiable. Abusive behavior—whether physical, psychological, or emotional—harms the brain, rewires your nervous system toward fear and distrust, and can have long-lasting effects on your mental health.
Final Thoughts
From a psychological and neuroscience perspective, hearing that someone you care about might be an abuser triggers a complex interplay of hope, fear, and biological attachment. The key is to listen deeply—to your feelings, your body, and your mind—while seeking support and information.
Trust yourself. Protect your nervous system. And remember, stepping back or ending a relationship that feels unsafe is an act of courage and self-love, not failure.
If you or someone you know is struggling with these difficult feelings, please consider reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist or support network. Healing and safety are possible.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
