“How can he stitch you up? What money has he? I assume you’ve been living off pensions. I have never said it’s okay to break your arm—but I don’t know what led up to that. I doubt he would try to kill you. You’re accusing me of supporting violence, which is unfair. Just let the dust settle.”
These were the words I received when I finally opened up about the abuse I experienced—words that stung almost as much as the violence itself.
And sadly, this kind of response is far too common.
As a trauma therapist, I’ve heard many variations of this. As a survivor, I’ve felt it firsthand.
So let’s talk about what’s really happening here—from both a psychological and neuroscientific perspective.
🧠Why People React This Way: The Psychology Behind the Deflection
When we disclose abuse, especially physical violence like strangling or broken bones, we expect shock, empathy, action.
Instead, many of us receive defensiveness, minimization, or silencing.
Why?
Because hearing the truth forces others—especially close family members of the abuser—to reconcile with something deeply uncomfortable: someone they love is capable of harm.
This creates cognitive dissonance—a psychological discomfort that people try to resolve by:
- Shifting the blame to the victim (“What did you do to lead up to it?”)
- Denying the seriousness (“I doubt he would try to kill you.”)
- Protecting their own emotional comfort (“You’re being unfair to me.”)
In other words, instead of facing the abuser’s actions, they defend their own worldview. That’s not your failure. That’s their emotional self-protection mechanism.
🧬 What the Brain Does in Moments of Discomfort
From a neuroscience lens, the brain is trying to keep them safe—emotionally safe.
When confronted with evidence that contradicts what they believe about a loved one, the amygdala (the brain’s threat detector) activates. This emotional hijack sends them into fight, flight, or freeze:
- Fight → defensiveness, blame, anger
- Flight → change the subject, talk about money, avoid the core issue
- Freeze → “Let the dust settle” or say nothing at all
But here’s the problem: while their brain protects them, yours is still in trauma.
Your nervous system has been flooded with adrenaline, cortisol, fear, grief, and now—on top of everything—you’re left without validation.
🚨 The Real Damage of Dismissive Responses
When someone you trusted meets your pain with silence, doubt, or deflection, the wound goes even deeper.
It:
- Invalidates your experience
- Reinforces shame
- Delays healing
- And often, reactivates the trauma loop in your nervous system
Trauma isn’t healed through silence—it’s healed through co-regulation. Through being seen, believed, and supported.
đź’¬ What Survivors Actually Need to Hear
We don’t need perfection. We don’t even need all the answers. But we do need:
✔️ “I believe you.”
✔️ “What he did was not okay.”
✔️ “You didn’t deserve this.”
✔️ “I’m here. I’m listening.”
These are the words that calm the nervous system, ease the pain, and begin to undo the isolation.
💡 If You’re a Survivor Reading This…
Please hear this loud and clear:
You are not going round in circles. You are breaking a cycle.
The problem was never your tone, your timing, or your reaction. The problem was the abuse—and the cultural silence that still surrounds it.
Your story deserves space.
Your trauma deserves validation.
And you deserve peace.
🕊️ A Closing Thought
To anyone who’s received a dismissive or hurtful response after disclosing abuse:
It does not make your pain less real.
It does not make your story less valid.
It reflects their limitations—not your truth.
And to those struggling to respond when someone discloses abuse:
Lead with compassion, not caution.
Listen more than you speak.
You don’t have to fix it—you just have to stand beside them.
This is how we begin to heal. Together.
—
đź’› Written by Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Emotional Recovery Specialist | Survivor & Advocate
#EmotionalAbuse #TraumaHealing #SurvivorSupport #NervousSystemHealing #NeuroscienceInTherapy #TherapistThoughts #DomesticViolenceAwareness #BreakTheCycle #LindaCJTurnerTherapy
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
