The Haunting Realization That Abusers Often Mean What They Say — Even When We Don’t Believe Them
I never used to believe his constant threats — not fully. During and after every argument, he’d say something cruel, controlling, or frightening. At the time, I told myself, “He’s just angry. He doesn’t really mean it.” I brushed it off, like so many survivors do, because accepting the truth would have been too painful. Too overwhelming. Too real.
But now, through healing and working with a compassionate psychologist, I can finally see clearly:
He meant every single one of them.
The proof is there, right under my eyes — in his actions, in the aftermath, in the calculated way every threat eventually came to pass. There is no denying it anymore.
What I find both haunting and disturbing is how, for years, I trained myself not to see. I minimized, rationalized, and excused behaviors that were screaming danger. Why? Because that’s what trauma does. It clouds our judgment, numbs our instincts, and makes survival feel like love.
A Psychological Lens: The Chilling Intent Behind Threats
In emotionally abusive relationships, threats are not always dramatic ultimatums. Often, they’re subtle, repeated, and delivered in moments of heightened conflict. According to psychological research on coercive control, these threats serve several purposes:
- To instill fear and compliance: “If you ever leave me, you’ll regret it.”
- To isolate: “If you tell anyone, I’ll make sure no one believes you.”
- To destroy autonomy: “I’ll take everything from you. You’re nothing without me.”
At the time, it’s common to interpret these threats as empty rage — words said in the heat of the moment. But abusers rarely speak without intention. These statements are often premeditated strategies, part of a pattern of control.
And here’s the hardest part to admit:
Once you step back, you realize they weren’t threats. They were promises.
Why Survivors Often Don’t See It
It’s important to acknowledge that denial is a survival mechanism. When you’re living in a situation that feels psychologically unsafe, your brain protects you. It tells you, “Maybe it’s not that bad.” That protective shield helps us get through the day — but it can also keep us stuck in cycles of abuse.
Healing, with the guidance of trauma-informed therapy, slowly peels back the layers of denial. It’s like waking up from a fog and realizing how calculated everything really was.
And that realization can be devastating — but also empowering.
From Haunting to Healing
Today, I no longer live in denial. I no longer give him the benefit of the doubt. I trust what I saw, what I heard, and what I felt. The threats he made? He meant them.
But I also trust myself now.
And that is where my healing lives.
If you are reading this and something resonates — know that you’re not alone. If someone has made you feel small, scared, or silenced — please reach out. Speak to someone safe. A therapist, a friend, a support group. Because the truth, no matter how painful, is the first step toward reclaiming your peace.
You are not crazy. You are not dramatic. You are not too sensitive.
You are waking up. And that’s brave.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
