Linda I’ve spoken in depth to XXXX he wants to sell the house as much as you and get out of Moraira especially in view of his diagnosis.
“He hated Spain, He spent years avoiding it. Now, suddenly, he doesn’t want to leave—and I’ve heard it from his own sister: he wants out.”
Meanwhile, behind the scenes: internet stalking, influence over mutual friends, secret communications, and false accusations…all while blaming you for everything they are actually doing themselves.
Welcome to the world of psychological projection, one of the most confusing and insidious tactics in the abuser’s arsenal—and a behaviour deeply rooted in both trauma and neurobiology.
What Is Projection—and Why Do Abusers Use It?
In psychology, projection occurs when a person denies their own unpleasant thoughts, feelings, or actions, and attributes them to someone else instead. It’s a defense mechanism—a way to avoid inner conflict and shame by “offloading” the uncomfortable truth.
But in abusive personalities, projection is not just unconscious denial—it becomes weaponized. When abusers project, they’re not just protecting their ego; they’re actively trying to discredit the other person and maintain control of the narrative.
- Are they stalking you online? They’ll accuse you of obsessively following them.
- Are they working behind your back with mutual friends? They’ll claim you are manipulative and creating drama.
- Are they lying about their location, intentions, or feelings? They’ll insist you are dishonest and unstable.
They disown their behaviour by making you the problem.
The Neuroscience Behind It: The Threat of Shame and the Hijacked Brain
The brain’s limbic system, especially the amygdala, is responsible for detecting threats and triggering emotional responses. In individuals with traits of narcissism, antisocial personality disorder, or unresolved childhood trauma, perceived shame or rejection triggers a threat response.
Rather than processing this pain in the prefrontal cortex (the rational, reflective part of the brain), they divert it through defense mechanisms. Projection is a shortcut their brain takes to protect their fragile sense of self.
It’s not rational—it’s survival-based. Their brain is literally wired to offload the blame to avoid emotional annihilation.
That’s why no amount of reason, evidence, or dialogue changes their story: their brain isn’t interested in truth. It’s interested in ego-preservation.
The Role of Post-Separation Obsession and the Fear of Being Exposed
After a breakup, particularly one they didn’t control, abusers often spiral. You’ve broken the narrative. You’ve reclaimed power. You’ve said “no more.”
This triggers both a loss of narcissistic supply (the attention, control, admiration, or fear they once received from you) and the terrifying possibility that you may tell the truth.
They may become obsessed with:
- Watching your social media
- Contacting mutual friends
- Spreading disinformation about you
- Interfering with your new life
Their actions are fueled by a mix of rage, shame, and fear that they’ll be unmasked. Ironically, the more they try to manipulate, the more transparent they become.
Why They Try to Turn Others Against You
Social manipulation—also known as “triangulation”—is another form of psychological warfare. If they can’t control you directly, they’ll try to control how others see you.
They do this by:
- Playing the victim (“She’s trying to ruin my life”)
- Sowing seeds of doubt (“I’m worried about her mental health”)
- Rewriting history (“I sacrificed so much and she just walked away”)
But again, what they’re doing is projection. The real story is often the exact opposite of what they claim.
What This Does to the Survivor’s Brain
Being the target of projection, stalking, and character assassination can lead to complex trauma, including:
- Hypervigilance: Your amygdala becomes overactive, constantly scanning for new threats.
- Cognitive dissonance: Your rational mind knows the truth, but you’re constantly bombarded with lies that make you question your sanity.
- Emotional dysregulation: Your nervous system is in a chronic fight-or-flight state, making calm, grounded living feel out of reach.
- Self-doubt: Even the strongest people begin to question their reality when gaslighting and projection are used relentlessly.
But the most damaging part? Survivors often internalize the abuser’s voice, confusing it with their own inner critic.
How to Reclaim Your Truth and Rewire Your Brain
- Name the Behaviour: Understanding projection and its purpose disarms its power. “That’s not about me—it’s about them.”
- Create Emotional Distance: Going low or no contact isn’t just about boundaries—it’s about brain healing. Reduced exposure = reduced cortisol.
- Document and Protect: Keep records of any stalking, communication, or sabotage. Protect yourself legally, emotionally, and digitally.
- Use the Prefrontal Cortex: Journaling, therapy, mindfulness, and safe community all help re-engage your reasoning brain and bring regulation.
- Speak Your Truth: Whether to a therapist, a friend, or through advocacy—your voice is part of your healing. Reclaiming your narrative heals the parts of your brain affected by trauma.
Final Words: Their Projections Are Not Your Truth
The person projecting onto you, stalking you, or accusing you of what they are doing is showing you exactly who theyare. Their lies do not define you. Their manipulations do not dictate your worth. And their obsession is not love—it’s control, dressed up in self-righteousness.
Let them hate Spain. Let them sell the house. Let them spiral in their chaos.
You are free.
You are building a life not based on illusion, but on truth. And no projection, no smear campaign, and no desperate sabotage can ever undo the power of a woman who finally sees clearly.
