By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate
It’s astonishing — and frankly painful — how often survivors of domestic abuse and violence are lectured about “freedom” by people who have never lived a single day under control, fear, or coercion.
Recently, someone said to me, “At least you have your freedom now.”
As if freedom was a luxury prize
As if it was something I should feel guilty for
As if it wasn’t something I fought tooth and nail to reclaim after decades of being emotionally imprisoned.
Let’s get something very clear:
🔹 I didn’t lose my freedom because of bad luck.
🔹 I lost my freedom because someone abused me.
🔹 The abuser faced consequences for their actions — that was their doing, not mine.
🔹 I have done nothing wrong.
🔹 I deserve every single breath of freedom I now have.
And no —
the abuser was never the one who was truly restricted.
The abuser always had the freedom to behave differently.
The abuser always had the choice to love instead of hurt.
The abuser always had the ability to seek help, to change, to stop the damage.
They chose control.
They chose cruelty.
The Psychological Impact of Being Lectured About Freedom
When people — even well-meaning ones — speak about “freedom” without understanding the reality of domestic abuse, it can cause real psychological harm to survivors.
Here’s why:
🔹 Invalidation of Trauma:
It dismisses the years of living under control, fear, manipulation, and sometimes terror that survivors endured.
It treats profound human suffering as a minor inconvenience that has now been “fixed.”
🔹 Gaslighting:
It subtly rewrites the story:
“You’re free now, so everything’s fine,”
instead of honoring the deep wounds, complex grief, and trauma recovery that freedom requires.
🔹 Re-traumatization:
It minimizes the survivor’s journey and can trigger feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame — as if we should feel bad for finally breathing freely.
🔹 Moral Injury:
It wrongly suggests that both people — abuser and survivor — somehow “lost” something equally.
(They didn’t. One caused harm. One survived harm.)
From a psychological point of view, these comments can delay healing, compound survivor guilt, and cause unnecessary emotional pain.
Survivors do not owe guilt or apologies for reclaiming their lives.
Survivors owe no one explanations for their joy, peace, or happiness.
Freedom is not a gift someone gave us — it is a right we fought for, often at great personal cost.
A Final Word to Survivors
If you are a survivor reading this, hear me loudly:
🌿 You deserve your freedom without guilt.
🌿 You deserve your peace without apology.
🌿 You are not selfish for building a life where you can finally breathe, love, and live.
Anyone who tries to shame you for it —
Anyone who tries to lecture you about what you should feel —
Is showing you that they were never forced to fight for their own freedom.
And that’s okay — they don’t need to understand.
But you don’t need to listen.
You are free.
You are innocent.
You are powerful beyond words.
And no one can ever take that from you again. 🌸
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
