By Linda C J Turner Therapy
For those of us who have survived decades of emotional, physical, or psychological abuse, there’s a phrase that lands like a slap in the face every time we hear it:
“Just get over it.”
It’s a phrase often delivered casually — sometimes with a shrug, sometimes with frustration, often from people who cannot begin to comprehend the reality of long-term trauma. But from both a psychological and neuroscience perspective, this phrase is not just dismissive — it’s profoundly ignorant of how trauma truly affects the human brain, body, and spirit.
Let’s explore why healing isn’t just about “moving on” — and why you wouldn’t be human if you could “just get over it” after years or even decades of abuse.
Trauma Leaves a Lasting Imprint on the Brain
One of the most critical discoveries in neuroscience over the last two decades is that trauma physically changes the brain.
Survivors of long-term abuse — whether emotional, physical, or psychological — often show clear signs of neurological change. Studies using brain imaging reveal alterations in areas like:
- The amygdala, which becomes hyperactive and hypersensitive to threat, even when no immediate danger is present. This means survivors can live in a near-constant state of alert.
- The hippocampus, which is involved in memory and emotional regulation, often shrinks in people with chronic PTSD, affecting their ability to process and place memories in a coherent timeline.
- The prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision-making, focus, and rational thought, often becomes underactive, making it harder to regulate emotional responses or feel safe.
When someone tells a trauma survivor to “just get over it,” they are completely disregarding the fact that the brain has literally been rewired for survival, not peace.
Decades of Abuse Create Deep Psychological Wounds
Imagine enduring years or decades of gaslighting, manipulation, fear, isolation, and walking on eggshells. Abuse of this nature isn’t a single event — it’s a long-term conditioning process that deeply impacts a person’s sense of self, safety, and reality.
Psychologically, long-term abuse creates:
- Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) — distinct from single-incident PTSD — which includes symptoms like emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, dissociation, and difficulty with trust and intimacy.
- Attachment injuries — particularly if the abuser was someone close, like a partner, parent, or family member — which affect how one relates to others, including in therapy or future relationships.
- Negative core beliefs — such as “I am unlovable,” “I’m not safe,” or “It was my fault,” which take time, skill, and care to untangle and replace.
Healing from this kind of psychological injury isn’t just about letting go — it’s about rebuilding an entire internal landscape.
Healing Is Not Linear — It’s Layered and Lifelong
Many survivors are not just recovering from one traumatic event. They are recovering from years of cumulative harm, where their nervous system was constantly dysregulated, their identity slowly eroded, and their reality consistently denied.
Expecting someone to “move on” after that is like asking someone to run a marathon after both legs were broken — and then healed crookedly.
Healing involves:
- Re-learning safety in the body and nervous system.
- Undoing years of shame and self-blame.
- Reclaiming identity, voice, and agency.
- Processing layers of grief, rage, betrayal, and loss.
And yes — sometimes that process takes years. Not because survivors are weak or stuck, but because they are strong enough to finally feel what they were never allowed to feel.
If You’ve Been Told to “Get Over It” — This Is for You
If someone has ever said, “Just move on,” “That was years ago,” or “Aren’t you over that yet?” — please know this:
It is not your job to heal on anyone else’s timeline.
You do not owe anyone a performance of “being okay.” You are allowed to still hurt. You are allowed to still process. You are allowed to still be healing.
What happened to you was real. The consequences are real. The healing is real — and it is happening, even if it’s slower than others would like to believe.
To the Ones Who Say “Just Get Over It” — A Challenge
Instead of telling survivors to “get over it,” try asking:
- “How can I support your healing?”
- “What do you need right now?”
- “Do you want to talk about it, or would you prefer some quiet time?”
- “Would it help to just have someone sit with you?”
Because if being human means anything, it means being able to sit with someone in their pain without trying to erase it.
You Are Human — and That’s the Point
You wouldn’t be human if you could just “get over” decades of abuse in a few weeks or months.
You’re not broken for still feeling pain — you’re human for surviving it.
And your healing journey, at your pace, with your truth — is a radical act of strength.
Keep going.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
