By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate
There’s a specific kind of pain that lingers beneath the surface. It’s not always visible. It doesn’t always make sense to outsiders. But for those who have lived it, it’s as real as any physical wound.
It’s called a trauma bond — a deep psychological entanglement formed over time, not out of love, but out of survival. These bonds are forged in environments where emotional manipulation, intermittent reinforcement, and control become part of daily life. And breaking free from them can feel like tearing away a part of yourself.
🧬 The Neuroscience Behind It
From a brain-based perspective, trauma bonding is tied closely to the dopamine and cortisol cycles. When someone alternates between kindness and cruelty — affection and abuse — the brain enters a loop of confusion. The brief moments of relief or tenderness cause spikes in dopamine, the feel-good neurotransmitter. These highs are addictive, especially when they come after long periods of stress, fear, or emotional starvation.
Over time, the brain starts to crave those moments of affection, even though they’re fleeting. Cortisol, the stress hormone, remains elevated during conflict or manipulation, creating a cycle of fear and longing that the brain struggles to reconcile. This creates an emotional dependency: the very person causing pain becomes the one the brain looks to for relief.
🧠 Psychological Entanglement
In psychology, trauma bonds are deeply rooted in attachment theory. We are wired to connect, to seek safety, especially in relationships. But when love is tied to fear, unpredictability, and control, the attachment becomes disordered.
The abuser may use tactics like:
- Gaslighting (making you doubt your reality),
- Love-bombing (overwhelming affection used to gain control),
- Silent treatment (emotional punishment),
- and blame-shifting (never taking responsibility).
The result? A profound confusion of identity, a loss of trust in your instincts, and a belief that you need this person to survive — even when they’re the source of your deepest pain.
🌱 Healing Begins With Awareness
Healing from a trauma bond isn’t about willpower. It’s about retraining the nervous system, rebuilding trust in yourself, and slowly, gently, unwinding the false belief that abuse is love.
This process involves:
- Safe therapeutic support
- Regulation techniques (like breathwork, grounding, and polyvagal practices)
- Psychoeducation — learning what’s happening inside your body and brain
- Self-compassion — because this was never your fault
The journey out of a trauma bond is not a straight line. But every step toward truth, every moment of clarity, is a step toward freedom.
You are not weak for struggling to let go. You are human — deeply wired to connect, and worthy of safe, nourishing love.
🕊️ If you’ve ever felt trapped in a relationship that made you question your worth, your memory, or your sanity — please know: it wasn’t love. It was control. And you can untangle yourself.
With the right tools, the right support, and the right people, healing is not only possible — it is inevitable.
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— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
