By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate
In abusive relationships, dog whistling is a covert form of communication that allows the abuser to deliver a private insult, threat, or reminder of control in a public or semi-public space, often leaving the victim feeling deeply unsettled, humiliated, or re-traumatized—while bystanders remain completely unaware that anything harmful has happened.
Let’s unpack the examples you listed with more depth:
1. Degrading You in Front of Others to Underhandedly Humiliate You
This is one of the most painful forms of dog whistling because it’s deeply isolating. The abuser might make a comment or joke that seems harmless or humorous to everyone else but actually carries a private, hurtful meaning known only to you—perhaps referencing a personal insecurity, a past trauma, or something shame-inducing that they know will sting.
🧠 Why it works: It’s humiliating because no one else recognizes the abuse. If you speak up or react, you risk being seen as overly sensitive, unstable, or even paranoid, which is exactly what the abuser wants.
2. Covert Threats
These are subtle messages intended to intimidate or manipulate without being obviously threatening. For example, they might say something like, “You know what happens when people cross me,” or reference a past event with a sinister undertone.
🧠 Why it works: It reinstills fear and control, without giving you anything concrete to report or defend yourself against. The threat is just vague enough to seem like nothing to an outsider, but clear and chilling to you.
3. Re-Traumatizing You by Referencing Past Wounds or Triggers
An abuser may bring up something deeply painful—like a past loss, mistake, or trauma—in a disguised way. For example, they might say something that triggers memories of a time you felt unsafe or unloved, even using phrases or tones associated with that trauma.
🧠 Why it works: Trauma lives in the nervous system. These subtle cues can send you into a fight-or-flight state, especially if you’re not expecting them, making you feel emotionally hijacked and destabilized.
4. Inducing Jealousy Through Comparisons
They might subtly mention how someone else “never nags” or “looks great for their age” or praise others in ways that are intended to make you feel inadequate or insecure, especially in front of others.
🧠 Why it works: It chips away at your self-worth and forces you into a competitive or anxious mindset—something abusers thrive on, as it keeps you focused on “proving” your worth to them.
The End Game of Dog Whistling
Dog whistling isn’t about communication. It’s about control, power, and emotional sabotage. The abuser wants to erode your sense of reality and isolate you by making others see you as unstable while continuing their abuse unchecked.
They are master manipulators, and dog whistling is one of the most cunning tools in their arsenal because it’s so difficult to explain or prove. This form of abuse is also particularly dangerous because it makes the survivor question their own perceptions—and this is where gaslighting and trauma bonding often interweave.
What You Can Do:
- Trust your gut: If something feels off, it usually is—even if others don’t see it.
- Document everything: Keep a private journal or secure file of instances, especially the coded language or symbols used.
- Set boundaries and limit exposure where possible, especially if the abuser is using public or online spaces to provoke you.
- Seek validation from trauma-informed therapists, support groups, or trusted allies who understand narcissistic abuse tactics.
- Never explain your trauma to those who weaponize it—you owe no explanation to people who make you feel small.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
