By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate
Healing after physical, emotional, and financial abuse—particularly at the hands of someone manipulative or narcissistic—requires more than just “moving on.” It’s a deeply layered process that unfolds in stages, often nonlinear, often complex, but always transformative.
From a psychological and trauma-informed perspective, here are the key stages of recovery and healing, with insights from neuroscience and emotional intelligence woven throughout.
🌀 1. Survival & Crisis Response Stage
Theme: “I just need to make it through today.”
In this early stage, your body and brain are in survival mode. The nervous system is likely dysregulated—oscillating between hyperarousal (anxiety, panic, vigilance) and hypoarousal (numbness, shutdown, depression).
Psychological Features:
- Denial or disbelief (“Did that really happen to me?”)
- Confusion, shock, emotional numbness
- High cortisol/adrenaline levels—your system is still in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn
- Obsessive rumination about the abuser or events
- Financial panic or dependence-related distress if economic control was part of the abuse
Supportive Steps:
- Safety is priority: remove yourself from danger physically, legally, and emotionally
- Trauma-informed therapy or crisis support
- Grounding techniques and nervous system regulation (e.g., breathwork, sensory grounding)
- Access to resources: shelter, legal aid, financial guidance
🔍 2. Acknowledgment & Awakening Stage
Theme: “It really happened. And it wasn’t my fault.”
This is the raw, sacred beginning of clarity. You start to name the abuse for what it was—emotional manipulation, coercive control, physical harm, financial exploitation. You begin to confront reality, though it may come with waves of grief and anger.
Psychological Features:
- Awakening from denial or self-deception
- Recognition of the trauma bond or gaslighting
- Emotional flashbacks, PTSD symptoms may emerge more clearly
- Flooding of difficult emotions: grief, rage, shame, fear, guilt
Supportive Steps:
- Validating the truth of your story with a trauma-informed therapist
- Journaling, memory reconstruction, psychoeducation (learning about trauma)
- Naming the abuse out loud: “It was abuse.”
- Setting the very first emotional and physical boundaries
🧠 Neuroscience note: This is when the brain begins to re-integrate fragmented trauma memories. The prefrontal cortex and limbic system begin a delicate rebalancing process, which is why trauma processing must be slow and safe.
⚖️ 3. Grief, Anger & Emotional Release Stage
Theme: “How could this happen to me?”
This is the emotional detox stage. Now that you’ve stopped numbing and started feeling, the pain starts to rise—sometimes like a tidal wave. This stage is vital for cleansing the nervous system and processing all the stuck emotions that were pushed down during the abusive relationship.
Psychological Features:
- Grieving what was lost: years, identity, innocence, money, relationships
- Rage at the abuser, enablers, and even yourself
- Grief over your former self or lost dreams
- Crying, shaking, somatic release—emotions live in the body
Supportive Steps:
- Emotional regulation tools (e.g., EMDR, IFS, somatic therapy)
- Allowing yourself to feel without judgment: rage, sadness, betrayal
- Body-based healing (yoga, dance, massage, trauma release exercises)
- Art therapy or expressive writing to release trauma narratives
🧭 4. Rebuilding Identity & Boundaries Stage
Theme: “Who am I without this trauma?”
This is the beginning of reconnection—with yourself. After abuse, especially long-term or narcissistic abuse, the self is often deeply eroded. You may not know what you like anymore. You may have people-pleasing patterns, perfectionism, or struggle with shame.
But slowly, you begin to reclaim your sense of self.
Psychological Features:
- Relearning autonomy, making decisions without fear
- Discovering values, passions, preferences
- Learning and practicing new boundaries—physically, emotionally, financially
- Building trust with safe people
Supportive Steps:
- Exploring healthy relationships (friendships, support groups, chosen family)
- Values clarification exercises (What matters to me now?)
- Financial empowerment and independence building
- Redefining self-worth based on who you are, not what you endured
🧠 Neuroscience note: This is when neuroplasticity kicks in. The brain begins creating new patterns of safety and self-concept, rewiring beliefs that once kept you stuck in survival mode.
🕊️ 5. Integration, Forgiveness & Meaning-Making Stage
Theme: “This no longer defines me, but it shaped me.”
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting or minimizing what happened—it means you no longer carry it in every breath. You’ve learned how to honor your wounds without letting them run your life.
Forgiveness may come—not necessarily for the abuser, but for yourself. For the you who didn’t know better. For the you who stayed because you were surviving.
Psychological Features:
- Peaceful detachment from the abuser or the narrative
- Reconnecting with joy, creativity, spirituality, purpose
- Healthy self-esteem and relationships based on mutual respect
- The ability to set boundaries and stay emotionally regulated
Supportive Steps:
- Legacy work: telling your story to help others, if you choose
- Deepening spiritual or philosophical practices
- Living in alignment with your truth, not your trauma
- Choosing relationships and environments that honor your worth
🌱 Final Thoughts: Healing Is Not Linear
These stages don’t follow a neat order. You may cycle back. You may revisit grief after years of progress. And that’s okay.
Healing is not about never hurting again.
It’s about being free to feel, free to choose, and free to live—on your own terms.
You are not broken. You are rebuilding.
And every step you take, no matter how small, is evidence that you survived what was meant to destroy you.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
