By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate
It’s one of the hardest truths to face:
That the person we love—or once loved—is hurting us.
Not by accident. Not in passing. But deeply, consistently, and often—intentionally.
And yet, for many survivors of emotionally abusive relationships or trauma bonds, this truth remains buried for years, even decades. Why? Because admitting it can feel far more dangerous than denying it. This is not weakness—it’s the nervous system’s way of protecting us from collapse.
In this article, we explore why we struggle to face emotional abuse, how our brains and bodies suppress painful truths, and what healing looks like when we’re finally ready to face the reality we’ve been avoiding.
🌪 What Makes This Truth So Hard to Admit?
It’s not just that the truth is painful. It’s that the truth often shatters everything we believe about ourselves, our relationship, and our safety in the world.
Here’s what’s often at stake:
- Attachment: Admitting someone is abusive means we may lose the relationship—someone we’ve loved, depended on, or been entangled with emotionally, financially, or socially.
- Identity: Many people build their identity around the role they play in the relationship (e.g., the helper, the loyal partner, the strong one). Accepting abuse often threatens that self-image.
- Hope: We want to believe they’ll change. That things will get better. Facing the truth may require grieving a future we desperately hoped for.
- Reality itself: When someone has gaslighted us, manipulated us, or distorted our perception over time, we may no longer trust our own reality. Facing abuse means re-learning what is real—and that’s destabilizing.
🧠 The Neuroscience of Denial: How the Brain Protects Us
When we are in a relationship that becomes emotionally abusive, our nervous system is constantly on alert. This means we often live in a state of chronic threat, even if we don’t consciously register it as such.
Here’s how the brain responds:
1. Amygdala Hijack: Survival Over Truth
The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for detecting threats, takes over in moments of perceived danger. It signals to the body: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
In a trauma bond, we often can’t fight or flee—so the brain chooses freeze (numbness, dissociation) or fawn (people-pleasing, placating). Facing the truth—that the relationship is dangerous—could activate the panic system. So the brain suppresses that truth to keep us calm and functional.
2. Prefrontal Cortex Suppression: Thought Shutdown
When we are in survival mode, the prefrontal cortex—which governs reasoning, planning, and awareness—goes offline. The mind can’t process complexity. It narrows our focus to: What do I need to do to stay safe right now?
Truth becomes a luxury we can’t afford. Instead, we stay locked in the trauma loop, often minimizing or rationalizing the harm.
3. Dopamine and Trauma Bonding
In abusive dynamics, the cycle of love–hurt–reconciliation creates a biochemical addiction. Moments of kindness or affection (the “honeymoon phase”) release dopamine and oxytocin, reinforcing emotional attachment—even after harm.
The brain starts to associate relief from pain as love, which confuses the nervous system. It tells us: This is connection. This is intimacy. Facing the abuse disrupts this chemical illusion—and can feel like we’re losing not just the person, but the only form of “love” we’ve known.
💔 The Role of Shame and Self-Blame
One of the cruelest things about emotional abuse is how it turns us against ourselves. Over time, victims are conditioned to believe:
- “Maybe I’m too sensitive.”
- “I provoke them.”
- “I’m just difficult to love.”
- “I should be grateful they’re still here.”
This internalized shame becomes a fortress that protects the abuser—and isolates the survivor. After all, if the abuse is somehow our fault, we don’t have to face the terror of being truly victimized. We maintain a sense of control—even if it’s false.
But this self-blame keeps us stuck. And it makes the eventual reckoning with truth even harder, because it means confronting all the ways we betrayed ourselves in order to stay.
🔄 How Self-Deception Becomes Survival
So, how do we stay in these situations?
We deceive ourselves. Not because we’re weak—but because it’s safer than the alternative. We say:
- “They’re just under stress.”
- “They had a tough childhood.”
- “They didn’t mean it.”
- “At least they didn’t hit me.”
These narratives become the emotional armor that shields us from collapse. But they also keep us from healing. Because healing begins where truth begins.
🕊️ The Path to Truth: When the Mask Begins to Crack
Eventually, something shifts. A moment. A look. A word. A silence. And the truth begins to seep in.
This is the moment survivors often describe as both terrifying and liberating.
You may feel:
- Grief for the relationship you thought you had.
- Rage at the betrayal.
- Terror at what comes next.
- Shame for not seeing it sooner.
These are normal, deeply human reactions. And they are part of the thaw—the waking up from the freeze of denial.
In trauma healing, we often call this the awakening stage. It’s raw. It’s vulnerable. But it’s also sacred. Because for the first time, you’re choosing truth over illusion. And that changes everything.
🧘🏽♀️ Moving Toward Safety and Clarity
Healing from this kind of emotional wounding takes time. It requires safety, support, and slowness. Some steps that help include:
1. Somatic Healing
Since the body holds the trauma, working with the nervous system is crucial. Somatic therapy, breathwork, grounding exercises, or trauma-informed yoga can help restore a sense of agency and regulation.
2. Truth-Telling in Safe Spaces
Find people—therapists, groups, or survivors—who can witness your truth without judgment. Speaking what’s been silenced allows your brain to rewire its sense of reality. You begin to feel: It’s safe to know what I know.
3. Compassionate Self-Awareness
Gently track when shame or self-blame arises. Speak to those parts of you with love:
“You believed what you had to believe to survive. And now, you’re waking up. That’s brave.”
🌱 Final Words: The Truth Is Your Way Home
Admitting someone we love is hurting us is a profound psychological rupture. But it’s also a doorway. A beginning. A moment where survival gives way to healing—and where truth becomes the foundation for a different kind of life.
One built not on fear, but on self-trust.
Not on deception, but on clarity.
Not on survival, but on freedom.
If this is where you are right now—take heart. You are not broken. You are not weak. You are waking up. And waking up is always the first step toward reclaiming your life.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
