Love is not a convenience. It does not turn on and off to suit the needs of those who only see relationships as transactional. When an abuser is in denial and has spread lies to friends and relatives, there is no going back. The damage is done, and the trust that forms the foundation of love is shattered beyond repair.
True love is built on respect, consistency, and honesty. It is not something that should be manipulated or used as a bargaining chip when there is something to gain. Yet, many abusers view love as a tool to control, switching it on when they need something—affection, validation, financial support, or social standing—and turning it off when responsibility, accountability, or reciprocity come into play.
One of the most painful realizations for survivors of abuse is recognizing this pattern. The person they once cared for deeply, the one who professed love and devotion, was never truly capable of offering a love that was unconditional and real. Instead, they were skilled at deception, creating an illusion of love that only existed when it served their interests.
Denial is a common trait among abusers. Rather than take accountability for their actions, they rewrite history, paint themselves as victims, and convince others that their version of events is the truth. They manipulate friends and family, often portraying their survivor as unstable, problematic, or ungrateful. The lies they tell are not just for the outside world; they are also for themselves. Many abusers cannot face the reality of their behavior, so they construct a false narrative that allows them to avoid guilt or responsibility.
For the survivor, recognizing this truth is both painful and liberating. It is painful because it means accepting that the love they thought was real was never truly there. It is liberating because it removes the hope that things will change—that the abuser will suddenly become the person they pretended to be in the beginning.
Once the veil has been lifted, there is no going back. Love is not a switch that can be flipped at will. Real love does not operate on conditions, nor does it vanish when debts must be paid or consequences must be faced. Those who have been manipulated into believing otherwise must reclaim their power by refusing to play the game any longer.
Healing begins when we stop accepting love that is inconsistent, self-serving, and manipulative. It begins when we acknowledge that true love—healthy, mutual love—does not demand that we sacrifice our well-being, our truth, or our dignity. The journey forward may be difficult, but it is one that leads to freedom, self-respect, and the possibility of real love in its purest form.
