Abusers thrive on control. They cannot bear to see their victims happy, independent, or fulfilled because it threatens their grip on power. One of the most insidious ways they maintain control is by systematically destroying anything that brings their victim joy—birthdays, Christmas, holidays, special occasions, and even lifelong dreams.

My move to Spain, something I had dreamed of for years, was no exception. From the very beginning, even during the move itself—something I had to handle alone—he sought to undermine my happiness. It was as if the mere thought of me thriving and enjoying life outside of his influence was unbearable to him. Every opportunity to sabotage my new beginning, he seized.

Isolating Through Tragedy and Blame

When our dog died, instead of supporting me through the grief, he blamed me. This was not just an isolated act of cruelty but part of a broader pattern—ensuring that even in moments of sadness, I was made to feel responsible and alone. The aim was clear: to diminish my self-worth and reinforce a narrative that I was always at fault.

Sabotaging Social Connections

Abusers often work to isolate their victims, making them feel as though they have no one to turn to. The first Christmas Eve after we arrived in Spain, I found myself alone, spending the night at a local nightclub with my grandson. A time that should have been filled with warmth and family was instead marked by loneliness—a direct result of his efforts to strip away the joy of the holiday season.

When I sought out social connections and community, he actively resisted. My involvement with the Lions Club, a group dedicated to charity and service, was met with complete indifference—he flatly refused to support or participate in any way. When I went to church, I went alone. The message was clear: anything that didn’t center around him or his control was not worth his time.

Undermining Hobbies and Interests

Every hobby, every passion, every pursuit that made me feel alive and independent was something I had to do alone. Whether it was joining clubs, pursuing interests, or even simple acts of self-care, he refused to participate. The only activity he willingly joined me in was grocery shopping—a task he used as a means to control finances and dictate what could and couldn’t be purchased.

The most painful of all was his interference in my friendships. One of the strongest, most supportive friendships I had was systematically torn apart by his manipulation and toxicity. He recognized that my friend saw through his behavior, and as a result, he did everything he could to put an end to that bond. This is a hallmark of abusers—they isolate their victims so that there is no external voice affirming what they already know deep down: that they deserve better.

Taking Back My Power

Looking back, I see the pattern clearly. He could not stand my happiness, my success, my independence. Every attempt to bring joy into my life was met with resistance, sabotage, or outright destruction. But what he failed to anticipate was my resilience.

Despite all his efforts, he did not succeed in breaking me. I am here, standing strong, reclaiming my life and my happiness. He may have tried to dim my light, but he could never extinguish it. My story is not one of defeat, but of survival, growth, and ultimately, triumph.

To anyone experiencing this kind of sabotage—know that you are not alone. The joy an abuser tries to take from you is not gone forever. It is still yours to reclaim, to rebuild, and to cherish. And when you do, it will shine brighter than ever.