This is a common and insidious tactic used by abusers to maintain control and discredit their victims. By presenting themselves as loving, remorseful, or heartbroken to their friends and social circles, they aim to gain sympathy and shift the narrative, making themselves appear as the victim. Meanwhile, they continue their abuse covertly, using legal systems and other means to financially and emotionally harm the true victim. Understanding this tactic is critical to protecting yourself and countering their manipulations.
Why Abusers Do This
- To Control the Narrative
- Abusers want to appear blameless in the eyes of others. By telling their friends they still “love” the victim, they create doubt about their abusive behavior and make it harder for others to support the victim fully.
- This allows them to paint the victim as unreasonable, vindictive, or even abusive in return.
- To Isolate the Victim
- When friends or acquaintances buy into the abuser’s narrative, the victim may feel abandoned or unsupported, reinforcing isolation—a key element of abuse.
- Victims may find themselves having to defend their actions or justify their need for protection, adding emotional strain.
- To Maintain Power Through the Legal System
- Legal abuse is a tool many abusers use to prolong their control. They may file excessive motions, contest custody or financial settlements, or drag out divorce proceedings to drain the victim emotionally and financially.
- While they appear “loving” and “hurt” in public, their legal actions show their true intent: to punish and exhaust the victim.
How This Tactic Affects the Victim
- Emotional Impact: Hearing that the abuser is telling others they still love you can be confusing and destabilizing. It may trigger self-doubt or guilt, making it harder to stay firm in your boundaries.
- Financial Strain: Legal battles can be incredibly expensive, and abusers know this. They exploit the system to deplete the victim’s resources, hoping to force a favorable outcome.
- Erosion of Support: Mutual friends or even family members may believe the abuser’s story, leading them to question or withdraw their support for the victim.
How to Protect Yourself
- Document Everything
- Keep a detailed record of all interactions, including abusive communications, legal tactics, and manipulative behavior.
- Save texts, emails, or any other evidence that contradicts the abuser’s public claims of love or remorse.
- Maintain Boundaries
- Avoid engaging with the abuser’s narrative. You don’t need to justify your decisions to mutual friends or acquaintances who side with them.
- Stick to communicating through lawyers or third parties if legal matters are ongoing.
- Strengthen Your Support Network
- Identify trusted friends, family, or professionals who understand the dynamics of abuse and will stand by you.
- Consider joining a support group for survivors, where you’ll find others who have experienced similar tactics.
- Counter the Narrative (If Needed)
- While it’s not your responsibility to defend yourself to everyone, you can set the record straight with key people who might be influenced by the abuser’s claims.
- Share your side of the story calmly and factually, focusing on the pattern of behavior rather than getting drawn into emotional arguments.
- Work with a Skilled Lawyer
- An attorney experienced in domestic abuse cases can help you navigate the legal system and minimize opportunities for the abuser to weaponize it against you.
- They can file motions to counter legal harassment, such as seeking sanctions for frivolous filings.
- Prioritize Your Emotional Well-Being
- Engage in therapy or counseling to process the emotional toll of the abuser’s tactics and build resilience.
- Practice self-care by focusing on activities and relationships that bring you peace and strength.
How to Handle the Legal System
Abusers often exploit the legal system to continue their control. Here’s how to combat this form of abuse effectively:
- Request Court Protections
- If the abuser is using the courts to harass you, your lawyer can file motions to limit their ability to abuse the process. For example:
- Restricting Communication: Request that all communication goes through attorneys.
- Sanctions for Frivolous Motions: Courts may penalize an abuser for filing baseless legal actions.
- If the abuser is using the courts to harass you, your lawyer can file motions to limit their ability to abuse the process. For example:
- Stick to Facts
- When presenting your case, focus on factual evidence and avoid being drawn into emotional disputes. Let your lawyer highlight the abuser’s manipulative patterns to the judge.
- Consider Mediation with Caution
- Mediation may not be appropriate in cases of abuse, as it assumes equal power between parties. Discuss alternatives with your lawyer if the abuser insists on mediation.
- Seek Financial Assistance
- If legal costs are overwhelming, look into organizations that provide financial support for domestic violence survivors. Some courts may also order the abuser to cover part of your legal expenses.
Why the Abuser’s Claims of Love Are False
It’s important to remind yourself that the abuser’s public declarations of love are not genuine. They are a tactic to:
- Gain Sympathy: Making others believe they are the victim.
- Discredit You: Undermine your credibility and make you seem unreasonable.
- Manipulate You: Create confusion and self-doubt, hoping to regain control.
True love is not compatible with abuse, control, or manipulation. These actions are rooted in a need for power, not affection.
Final Thoughts
Surviving abuse means recognizing and dismantling the abuser’s tactics, including their attempts to manipulate public opinion. While it can be frustrating and exhausting, staying focused on your safety, well-being, and long-term goals is key. Remember: their outward behavior doesn’t negate your truth. You are strong, and with the right support, you can overcome their attempts to harm you further. Stay firm in your boundaries, trust yourself, and keep moving forward. You deserve peace and freedom.
