When an abuser downplays strangulation by saying something like, “If I did it properly, you’d be dead,” it adds another layer of manipulation and danger to the situation. This statement is both a minimization of the violence and a chilling threat. It’s a way of the abuser asserting even more control, implying that they chose not to kill, but that they could have, and might in the future. This kind of language is terrifying because it combines two of the most insidious tactics of abuse: belittling the severity of the act and instilling fear by making the victim feel as if their life hangs on the abuser’s whims.

Here’s why this is particularly alarming:

1. Normalization and Minimization of Violence: By making such a statement, the abuser is trying to trivialize the violence they have committed, suggesting that it “wasn’t that bad” because they didn’t go through with it fully. This gaslighting tactic makes the victim question the seriousness of the event, even though it was clearly life-threatening. It’s a deliberate attempt to confuse the victim’s perception, as if to say, “If I really wanted to hurt you, I could have — but I didn’t, so it’s not that serious.” This, of course, is a gross distortion of reality and a dangerous manipulation.
2. Veiled Threat of Future Violence: That statement isn’t just a casual remark — it’s a veiled threat. The abuser is communicating that they have the ability to take the victim’s life if they choose to. It’s not only terrifying but underscores how much control they want to maintain over the victim, using fear as their weapon. The abuser is saying, in essence, “I have the power to kill you, and next time, I might.” This kind of psychological abuse is incredibly damaging, making the victim feel constantly on edge, as if their life is at risk with every interaction.
3. Escalation of Danger: The fact that the abuser is comfortable even talking about the potential lethality of their actions suggests a terrifying comfort with extreme violence. They have already crossed a significant line by strangling their victim and are now trying to assert that they can do worse. This is a major red flag, as it indicates the abuser sees themselves as having ultimate power over the victim’s life, and the situation can easily escalate to a point of no return.
4. Psychological Terror: Statements like this are designed to erode the victim’s sense of security and create an atmosphere of terror. Even if the abuser isn’t physically harming the victim in that moment, the psychological impact of such a statement can be devastating. The victim is left wondering when or if the abuser will “follow through” on the implied threat. This kind of psychological abuse can be just as damaging as physical violence, as it keeps the victim trapped in a state of constant fear and uncertainty.
5. Justification for Future Violence: In downplaying the act by saying, “If I did it properly, you’d be dead,” the abuser is laying the groundwork for future violence by implying that anything less than death doesn’t count as real harm. It’s a way of minimizing their actions and justifying any violence that doesn’t result in immediate death. This twisted logic enables the abuser to continue inflicting harm while rationalizing it as “not that bad” because, in their view, it could be worse.

What This Means for the Victim:

• This is a critical point of danger. Strangulation, combined with this kind of dismissive and threatening language, signals an abuser who is capable of extreme violence and sees nothing wrong with it. The victim’s life is truly at risk, and immediate action needs to be taken to get out of this situation.
• Safety is paramount. The victim should not wait for another escalation. Seeking help from domestic violence services, reaching out to trusted friends or family, or contacting law enforcement is crucial. Organizations that specialize in domestic abuse can help create a safety plan, offer legal protection, and provide resources like shelters for those needing to escape.
• Emotional and Psychological Support: The impact of being strangled and then being told something so disturbing can be incredibly traumatic. The victim will likely need support to process what has happened, from counseling to trauma therapy. Being exposed to this kind of abuse can have lasting psychological effects, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, and deep-seated fear.

Final Thought:

When an abuser makes statements like this, they are revealing their true capacity for harm. It is not only a reflection of their willingness to physically hurt their partner but a blatant attempt to intimidate and control through fear. It’s essential to recognize this as a dire warning sign and seek immediate help. No one should be made to feel that their life depends on the mood or mercy of someone who has already shown the capability to commit lethal harm.

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