This is one of the most painful questions people ask after long-term harm.
Not because they’re naïve.
But because hope often feels safer than grief.
Neuroscience gives us a steadier answer than wishful thinking or blanket cynicism.
Yes — people can change.
But not in the way most people hope.
And not without conditions that are rare, demanding, and long-term.
What change is not
Change is not:
- a realisation
- an apology
- a declaration
- a new self-story
- a promise to “do better”
- a period of good behaviour
Insight is cognitive.
Change is neurological.
The brain does not rewire itself because someone wants relief from consequences.
What neuroscience shows about real change
Long-standing patterns — especially abusive or controlling ones — are not “habits.”
They are learned neural strategies.
Over years, the brain learns how to:
- regulate distress through control
- offload shame through blame
- preserve identity through denial
Without therapy, accountability, and interruption, these pathways become default wiring.
This is why:
- behaviour often worsens with age
- insight increases but accountability does not
- people say “I’ve changed” while repeating the same impact
What real change actually requires
Real change requires:
- long-term, specialised therapy (often years, not months)
- sustained accountability without image management
- tolerance of shame without deflection
- willingness to lose relationships, status, or identity
- behaviour change under stress, not comfort
- acceptance that forgiveness may never come
Most importantly: change is proven by pattern — not intent.
Why “they seem different now” feels convincing
Humans are wired to detect short-term safety shifts.
When someone:
- becomes calmer
- stops overt aggression
- adopts therapeutic language
- appears remorseful
The nervous system often reads this as change.
But neuroscience is clear:
Early shifts are regulation, not reorganisation.
True change shows up:
- consistently
- over time
- across contexts
- without external pressure
- without requiring others to stay close
The hardest truth
Sometimes the most honest answer to “Can they change?” is:
It doesn’t matter.
Because:
- your healing does not depend on their growth
- your safety does not require their insight
- your future does not need their transformation
Distance is not a failure of compassion.
It is often a sign of neurological wisdom.
A grounding reminder
Understanding the brain is not the same as excusing harm.
Neuroscience explains:
- why patterns persist
- why promises fail
- why insight is seductive
It does not obligate anyone to:
- wait
- forgive
- stay
You are allowed to choose clarity over hope.
And safety over potential.
Educational content. Trauma-informed. Not a substitute for therapy or legal advice.
