(How it feels in the body, mind, and nervous system)
🧠 Nervous System
Trauma Bonding
- Feels intense, urgent, consuming
- Nervous system is activated (anxious, hyperfocused)
- Calm only comes from them
- Absence feels like withdrawal
Healthy Attraction
- Feels steady, warm, curious
- Nervous system stays regulated
- Calm exists with or without them
- Absence is tolerable
Key question:
Do they regulate me — or do I regulate myself?
❤️ Emotional Experience
Trauma Bonding
- Strong highs and lows
- Relief mistaken for love
- Fear of losing them appears early
- You feel “chosen” and terrified simultaneously
Healthy Attraction
- Emotional consistency
- Interest grows gradually
- No rush to secure the bond
- You feel safe being seen over time
Key question:
Is this intensity or intimacy?
🧱 Boundaries
Trauma Bonding
- Boundaries feel scary or guilty
- You overshare early
- You adapt yourself to maintain closeness
- “No” feels like risk
Healthy Attraction
- Boundaries feel neutral and respected
- Vulnerability unfolds naturally
- You don’t abandon yourself to connect
- “No” feels safe
Key question:
Am I staying aligned with myself?
🔄 Attachment Pattern
Trauma Bonding
- Preoccupation with their behaviour
- Constant meaning-making
- Checking messages, tone, timing
- Your mood depends on the connection
Healthy Attraction
- Presence without obsession
- Trust builds through consistency
- You don’t monitor or analyse constantly
- Your mood stays stable
Key question:
Is my attention pulled outward or grounded inward?
🪞Sense of Self
Trauma Bonding
- You feel smaller or unsure
- Self-doubt increases
- You feel you must earn love
- Old wounds feel activated
Healthy Attraction
- You feel more like yourself
- Self-respect strengthens
- Love feels mutual, not conditional
- Healing feels supported, not rushed
Key question:
Do I like who I am becoming here?
The Simplest Distinction (This Matters)
Trauma bonding feels like:
“I need you to feel okay.”
Healthy attraction feels like:
“I enjoy you, and I am okay regardless.”
One Closing Grounding Check
Put your hand on your chest and ask:
“If this connection slowed down, would I still feel safe inside myself?”
Your body knows before your mind does.
A Gentle Truth
Trauma bonds pull you out of yourself.
