1. Idealisation & Bond Formation
What it looks like
- Intense connection, charm, attentiveness
- Feeling “seen” or chosen
- Fast emotional intimacy
What’s happening internally
- Dopamine + oxytocin surge (bonding hormones)
- Sense of safety and meaning attaches to this person
Key trap
“This feels special — I’ve never had this before.”
2. First Boundary Breaches (Minimised)
What it looks like
- Subtle control
- Jealousy framed as love
- Criticism disguised as concern
- Small incidents followed by apologies
Internal response
- Confusion, not alarm
- Self-blame: “Maybe I misunderstood”
Why she doesn’t leave
- The brain prioritises the bond over the warning
- Abuse isn’t clear yet
3. Cognitive Dissonance Phase
What it looks like
- Loving moments + harmful moments
- Inconsistency
- Walking on eggshells
Internal split
- “He loves me” vs “This hurts”
Neuroscience
- The brain tries to resolve contradiction by rationalising abuse“He’s stressed.”
“It’s not really that bad.”
This is not denial — it’s the brain seeking stability.
4. Self-Erosion & Adaptation
What it looks like
- She changes behaviour to keep peace
- Shrinks needs, opinions, boundaries
- Becomes hyper-vigilant
Internal state
- Anxiety baseline rises
- Self-trust declines
- Sense of self blurs
Key shift
“If I can just do this better, it will stop.”
This is survival adaptation, not weakness.
5. Trauma Bond Lock-In
What it looks like
- Cycles of harm → apology → closeness
- Emotional dependence deepens
- Leaving feels unbearable
Neuroscience
- Stress hormones + relief create addictive bonding
- Separation triggers panic, grief, craving
This stage is often mistaken for “choosing abuse.”
It is actually conditioned attachment.
6. Isolation & Silence
What it looks like
- Pulling away from friends/family
- Keeping abuse private
- Shame and fear of judgment
Why silence happens
- Abuser discredits outside voices
- She fears not being believed
- She fears escalation if discovered
Isolation is strategic control, not coincidence.
7. Awareness Without Exit
Critical stage
She knows something is wrong — but can’t yet leave.
Internal thoughts
- “This isn’t okay”
- “I can’t live like this forever”
- “But I don’t see a safe way out”
This is often the longest stage.
Knowing ≠ leaving
Insight ≠ safety
8. Threshold Moment (Crack in the System)
Triggers can include
- Escalation or threat to life
- Impact on children
- Public exposure
- Supportive outsider validating reality
- Abuser slipping and revealing intent
Key shift
“This will not change — and it will destroy me.”
This is not sudden bravery.
It’s clarity + accumulated harm.
9. Planning & Internal Detachment
What it looks like
- Emotional withdrawal (often unnoticed)
- Quiet information gathering
- Safety planning
- Reduced arguing (appears like “calm”)
Important
This phase is dangerous — abusers sense loss of control.
10. Exit (Rarely Clean, Often Multiple Attempts)
- Leaving may happen more than once
- Returns often occur due to:
- fear
- financial pressure
- trauma bonding
- manipulation
Each attempt is progress, not failure.
11. Post-Exit Trauma & Grief
Leaving does not equal relief.
Common experiences:
- Withdrawal symptoms
- Grief for the “good version”
- Doubt, guilt, self-blame
- Fear and hyper-vigilance
This is where support determines recovery.
The Big Truth Most People Miss
Women don’t leave when outsiders think they should.
They leave when internal safety + external support finally outweigh fear and attachment.
