This is called an extinction burst in neuroscience and behavioural psychology.
It happens when a behaviour that used to work suddenly stops working.
1️⃣ The Brain Detects Reward Loss
When a survivor enforces boundaries or goes silent, the abuser’s brain experiences:
- loss of regulation
- loss of dopamine reward
- loss of control confirmation
🧠 The brain registers:
“My usual strategy has failed.”
But it does not interpret this as “stop.”
2️⃣ The Brain Tries Harder Before It Quits
Before abandoning a learned behaviour, the nervous system does this:
- increases intensity
- increases frequency
- switches tactics
- seeks any response
🧠 This is automatic, not thoughtful.
➡️ It’s the same mechanism seen when:
- an addict can’t access a substance
- a slot machine stops paying out
- a child escalates tantrums when ignored
This spike is the extinction burst.
3️⃣ Why This Escalation Feels Different (and Scarier)
The final escalation often looks worse because:
- it’s less controlled
- it’s more desperate
- it’s emotionally volatile
- it lacks strategic finesse
🧠 Prefrontal inhibition weakens under stress.
That’s why you might see:
- reckless threats
- legal overreach
- implausible accusations
- sudden love-bombing followed by rage
- behaviour that damages them
➡️ This is not strength.
➡️ This is nervous-system panic.
4️⃣ Why Some Stop After This — and Others Don’t
Those who stop:
- receive no response
- encounter real-world consequences
- lose access consistently
- experience social or legal containment
🧠 Their brain finally learns:
“This behaviour no longer produces regulation.”
The loop collapses.
Those who don’t stop:
- find a new target
- regain control through others
- escalate into legal harassment
- externalise blame fully
🧠 The system avoids extinction by redirecting.
This is why documentation and boundaries matter.
5️⃣ Why This Phase Is the Most Dangerous
The final escalation is risky because:
- impulse control is low
- entitlement is high
- shame is intolerable
- identity feels threatened
🧠 The brain frames action as:
“I must act now or lose everything.”
➡️ This is why safety planning is critical during silence.
🔑 The Core Truth
The last escalation happens because:
The nervous system hasn’t accepted reality yet.
It is the brain’s final attempt to restore a broken loop.
When it fails:
- behaviour extinguishes
- or redirects
- or collapses
🛑 What Survivors Need to Remember
- The escalation is not proof you were wrong
- It is proof the boundary is working
- Do not engage
- Do not explain
- Do not soften
- Increase safety, not communication
Final grounding line
The storm doesn’t mean the silence failed.
It means the system is running out of fuel.
