This manoeuvre has a name and a function.
What this tactic is called
It sits at the intersection of:
- Isolation abuse
- Information control
- Reputation management / impression control
- Pre-emptive smear prevention
In domestic-abuse and coercive-control literature, it’s often described as
“restricting the victim’s social world to control the narrative.”
What’s really happening psychologically
When someone says something like:
“I don’t think it’s a good idea for your sister-in-law to move to Moraira!!!”
…it’s not about concern, practicality, or harmony.
It’s about threat detection.
Your presence + witnesses = risk to their constructed reality.
People who are:
- hiding affairs
- concealing emotional, financial, or psychological abuse
- maintaining a false public image
become hyper-vigilant about anyone who:
- already knows the truth
- has witnessed incidents
- can validate your experience
- is hard to manipulate
The neuroscience piece (why they panic)
From a nervous-system perspective:
- Truth exposure = loss of control
- Loss of control = amygdala threat response
- That triggers defensive dominance behaviours, not reflection
So instead of stopping the abuse or telling the truth, they try to:
- shrink your support network
- block external reality checks
- keep you dependent on their version of events
This is why the messaging often feels:
- oddly urgent
- emotionally loaded
- exaggerated
- irrational
- delivered with emojis, drama, or faux concern
It’s a stress response masquerading as advice.
Why witnesses are so dangerous to abusers
Witnesses do three things abusers cannot tolerate:
- They confirm your memory
– which breaks gaslighting - They see patterns over time
– which exposes “isolated incident” lies - They speak independently
– which collapses narrative control
That’s why discouraging family and friends from visiting or relocating is a classic red flag in coercive-control assessments.
The affair + abuse overlap
You’re also right to link this to affairs.
Affairs + abuse often coexist because both rely on:
- secrecy
- compartmentalisation
- image management
- silencing of those “in the know”
Anyone who has actually witnessed behaviour becomes a liability.
Important: this is not accidental
This isn’t social awkwardness.
This isn’t miscommunication.
This isn’t cultural.
It is strategic — even if the person isn’t consciously aware of the full strategy.
How this affects you
Being cut off (or pressured to self-isolate) does real harm:
- increases trauma bonding
- heightens self-doubt
- delays healing
- prolongs fear responses
- undermines legal and emotional safety
Your nervous system needs witnesses to heal. Safety is relational.
One grounding truth to hold onto
People who have nothing to hide do not fear:
- your friends
- your family
- your support system
- people telling the truth
They may dislike criticism — but they don’t try to block human proximity.
