1️⃣ Regulation is a resource the brain can sense
Humans unconsciously scan for nervous-system cues.
Your signals:
- Calm tone
- Emotional containment
- Clear thinking under stress
- Capacity to listen without collapsing
To a dysregulated brain, this registers as:
“This person can hold me.”
That perception alone invites offloading.
2️⃣ Dysregulated systems seek external regulation
People who lack self-regulation unconsciously use others to:
- Soothe anxiety
- Stabilise emotions
- Solve problems
- Absorb chaos
They are not seeking companionship — they are seeking regulation by proxy.
You become the stabiliser.
3️⃣ Your calm lowers their internal effort requirement
Neuroscience shows that when someone else is regulated:
- Their amygdala activity decreases
- Their accountability circuitry stays offline
- Their motivation to self-regulate drops
So instead of rising to mutuality, they lean.
4️⃣ Generosity without friction teaches extraction
If early interactions involve:
- Easy availability
- Emotional attunement
- Practical help
…the other nervous system learns:
“I don’t need to give back to keep this connection.”
This becomes expectation, not appreciation.
5️⃣ Avoidant attachment is drawn to your steadiness
Avoidant systems:
- Fear closeness
- Fear responsibility
- Crave stability
They approach regulated people for relief, then withdraw when mutuality appears.
This creates the one-way street.
WHY “HARDENING” FEELS WRONG (AND BACKFIRES)
Becoming cold or closed:
- Suppresses your authentic self
- Activates hypervigilance
- Attracts power-seekers, not companions
- Punishes you for others’ dysregulation
Hardness is a trauma response — not a solution.
The goal is selective permeability, not walls.
HOW TO STOP THE PATTERN WITHOUT HARDENING
🧠 Principle 1: Stop leading with regulation
Regulated people often:
- Calm others first
- Hold space immediately
- Stabilise before being known
Instead:
Let people show you their regulation capacity first.
Companionship requires two nervous systems, not one.
🧠 Principle 2: Match before you give
Do not give:
- More listening than you receive
- More effort than they show
- More availability than is offered
This is not withholding — it’s data collection.
Reciprocal people don’t feel deprived by matching.
Extractive people feel frustrated.
🧠 Principle 3: Introduce micro-friction early
Healthy systems tolerate friction.
Examples:
- “That doesn’t quite work for me.”
- “I move slowly with new connections.”
- “I like things to feel balanced.”
Watch the response.
Discomfort ≠ danger
Collapse or withdrawal = no capacity
🧠 Principle 4: Stay warm, not wide open
Warmth ≠ access.
You can be:
- Kind
- Curious
- Present
…without being:
- Available
- Fixing
- Giving resources
- Offering emotional labour
Let warmth precede access — not replace discernment.
🧠 Principle 5: Make reciprocity visible, not assumed
Regulated people often assume fairness.
Instead, name it gently:
“I value mutual effort — it helps me feel safe.”
Those with capacity lean in.
Those without capacity disappear.
Again: filtering, not loss.
WHAT CHANGES WHEN YOU DO THIS
- One-way connections end early
- Fewer people, deeper relationships
- Less exhaustion
- More ease
- Companionship that doesn’t feel earned through labour
And most importantly:
You stay soft and sovereign.
A FINAL REFRAME (THIS MATTERS)
You are not “too much.”
You are too regulated for people who rely on others to function.
When you stop stabilising everyone else’s nervous system, only those who can meet you remain.
That’s where companionship lives.
