1️⃣ CHRONIC STRESS / SCARCITY BRAIN
(Financial stress, housing insecurity, burnout, emotional depletion)
🧠 Brain state
- Amygdala overactive (threat, fear, survival)
- Prefrontal cortex underactive (empathy, planning, ethics)
- Oxytocin suppressed (bonding, trust)
- Dopamine prioritised (quick reward, relief)
⬇️
🧍 Behaviour
- Scans people for use
- Takes help/resources without tracking fairness
- Avoids obligation or accountability
- Freezes or disappears when asked to give back
- Uses phrases like:
- “I’m too busy”
- “I can’t right now”
- Silence / ignoring messages
⬇️
🔗 Relationship outcome
- One-way relationships
- Emotional extraction
- Transaction without reciprocity
- You feel used, unseen, drained
2️⃣ DOPAMINE-CONDITIONED BRAIN
(Novelty, convenience, instant gratification culture)
🧠 Brain state
- Reward system trained for “more for less”
- Low tolerance for effort or maintenance
- Relationships treated like apps: swipe / use / discard
⬇️
🧍 Behaviour
- Asks for:
- Free accommodation
- Money
- Sex
- Emotional labour
- Practical skills (sewing, therapy, house-sitting)
- Disengages when interaction stops benefiting them
- Avoids companionship without gain
⬇️
🔗 Relationship outcome
- Situational closeness
- No loyalty or follow-through
- Disappears once need is met
- No interest in “just being together”
3️⃣ AVOIDANT / ENTITLED NERVOUS SYSTEM
(Often unconscious, not always malicious)
🧠 Brain state
- Fear of dependence AND responsibility
- Shame avoidance circuits active
- Mutuality feels threatening
⬇️
🧍 Behaviour
- Comfortable asking, uncomfortable giving
- Interprets reciprocity as pressure
- Avoids direct refusal → chooses silence
- Maintains self-image by minimizing your needs
⬇️
🔗 Relationship outcome
- Emotional imbalance
- You carry the relational load
- They feel relieved; you feel exhausted
4️⃣ YOUR BRAIN (REGULATED, EMPATHIC, CAPABLE)
🧠 Brain state
- Strong prefrontal regulation
- High empathy
- Capacity for presence
- Secure sense of self
⬇️
🧍 Behaviour
- Gives without immediate expectation
- Assumes goodwill
- Values fairness and mutual care
- Communicates clearly when something feels off
⬇️
🔗 Relationship outcome (with dysregulated people)
- You become the “resource”
- Others unconsciously offload onto you
- One-way street forms unless interrupted
🔁 THE FEEDBACK LOOP (WHY IT KEEPS HAPPENING)
- You give → their nervous system relaxes
- They associate you with relief
- Relief becomes expectation
- Expectation replaces gratitude
- Reciprocity request triggers threat
- They withdraw or ignore
- You’re left holding the imbalance
🛑 WHERE BOUNDARIES CHANGE THE CIRCUIT
When you pause giving:
Their brain experiences:
- Loss of dopamine
- Activation of accountability
- Exposure of entitlement or avoidance
Result:
- Takers disappear
- Regulated companions stay
This is not rejection.
This is neural filtering.
🧭 THE BIG TRUTH
Companionship requires:
- Nervous system safety
- Capacity for mutual regulation
- Willingness to give without extracting
Many people simply aren’t neurologically there right now.
That doesn’t mean you’re asking too much.
It means you’re asking the wrong nervous systems.
