As I prepare for divorce, I have had to replace every single legal document I need.
Passports, certificates, records — all of the originals were taken long ago.
They were kept in a briefcase I was never allowed to open or touch.
Money and documents stored away before we were even married.
On the surface, this looks like administration.
Psychologically, it tells a much deeper story.
Coercive control often operates through information asymmetry — one person holds the documents, the money, the knowledge, and therefore the power. From a neuroscience perspective, this creates chronic dependency. When access to practical autonomy is blocked, the brain adapts by lowering expectation, suppressing protest, and prioritising survival over questioning.
Over time, this can dull instinct — but it never erases it.
Looking back now, one question naturally arises:
Why did he ask me to marry him at all?
The answer becomes clearer with distance and nervous-system recovery. I was not chosen for partnership — I was chosen for utility. Financial stability. Emotional labour. A future carer role. A container for needs without reciprocity.
My delayed response at the beginning was not hesitation — it was intuition. The gut senses incongruence long before the mind can articulate it. Neuroscience shows that the body detects threat patterns milliseconds before conscious reasoning engages. What I felt then was not confusion; it was recognition.
Now, the irony is unmistakable.
The very traits he claimed to admire — my tenacity, intelligence, and persistence — are the same traits that ultimately dismantled the control. What once served his security now restores my freedom.
The paperwork is complete.
Every document replaced.
And in the process, something else was recovered too:
agency, clarity, and self-trust.
I also hold deep gratitude for the Spanish administrative staff who helped me rebuild what was taken. Their patience and kindness mattered more than they will ever know. Trauma recovery is not only about escaping harm — it is also about experiencing functional systems that work with you, not against you.
This chapter is not about bitterness.
It is about accuracy.
And accuracy is a form of liberation.
