What Those Statements Actually Are
Examples:
- “You only ever do things 70%”
- “You are shit for brains”
- “Your family are dysfunctional”
These are NOT:
- Healthy honesty
- Assertive communication
- Constructive feedback
These ARE:
- Unfiltered emotional discharge
- Global attacks on identity
- Verbal abuse when repeated or used to dominate, shame, or control
Why This Is Not Just “Unfiltered Honesty”
1. They Target Identity, Not Behavior
Unfiltered honesty can still focus on actions:
“This task wasn’t completed.”
Your examples focus on who the person is:
- Intelligence
- Worth
- Family identity
📍 The brain experiences this as a social threat, activating the same neural pathways as physical danger.
2. They Use Absolutes and Contempt
Phrases like:
- “only ever”
- insults
- family attacks
are markers of contempt, which neuroscience and relationship research show is the strongest predictor of psychological harm.
👉 This is not accidental blurting. It’s emotion-driven domination language.
3. Intent Doesn’t Cancel Impact
Even if someone says:
“I’m just being honest”
The brain of the receiver processes:
- Shame
- Threat
- Loss of safety
Repeated exposure changes neural wiring, leading to:
- Hypervigilance
- Self-doubt
- Suppressed speech
- Stress responses
That is how verbal abuse conditions the nervous system.
The Correct Classification
| Statement | Category |
|---|---|
| “You only ever do things 70%” | Verbal degradation |
| “You are shit for brains” | Verbal abuse |
| “Your family are dysfunctional” | Identity attack / social shaming |
These are not communication styles.
They are stress discharge + contempt.
What Honest Communication Would Sound Like Instead
Same frustration — different delivery:
- ❌ “You only ever do things 70%”
✅ “This task wasn’t finished, and I need it completed fully.” - ❌ “You are shit for brains”
✅ “I’m frustrated because I don’t feel understood right now.” - ❌ “Your family are dysfunctional”
✅ “Some family dynamics are difficult for me to cope with.”
Notice:
- No insults
- No global judgments
- No identity damage
Important Reframe
People often excuse abuse by calling it:
- “Unfiltered”
- “Blunt”
- “Just honest”
But honesty does not require humiliation.
And truth does not require cruelty.
When language repeatedly:
- Degrades
- Shames
- Undermines
…it functions as control, not communication.
