When someone lives for years in an abusive, unpredictable environment, the nervous system adapts for survival, not comfort.
1. Your nervous system was trained for threat, not peace
Chronic abuse keeps the brain in sympathetic dominance (fight/flight) or freeze.
- The amygdala (threat detector) stays hyper-alert
- The hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis pumps stress hormones
- The vagus nerve rarely gets to activate its calming (parasympathetic) role
Over time, calm becomes unfamiliar. The body learns:
“Stillness = danger might be coming.”
So when calm finally appears, the brain may ask:
“Why aren’t we bracing?”
That doesn’t mean something is wrong — it means something is changing.
Why therapy is helping this happen now
2. Therapy restores neuroception (your body’s sense of safety)
Good trauma-informed therapy doesn’t just help you think differently — it helps your body relearn safety.
You’re noticing:
- Calm even while busy
- Calm despite appointments and travel
- Calm without dissociating or numbing
That’s a sign of:
- Improved ventral vagal activation (social safety system)
- Reduced baseline cortisol
- A nervous system no longer living at red alert
This is regulation, not avoidance.
The holiday insight is especially important
3. Your body already knew the truth before your mind did
“I refused to go on holiday because it was always abusive and angry.”
That is somatic wisdom.
Your nervous system had learned:
- Holidays removed structure → abuser escalated
- Isolation + entitlement + alcohol + lack of witnesses = danger
The one calm holiday happened when:
- You had autonomy
- You had purpose (PADI training)
- You were psychologically separate, even while physically present
That’s not coincidence — that’s control of nervous-system load.
Abuse often disappears when the abuser loses access to your emotional supply.
Why calm returns before life is “settled”
4. Calm doesn’t mean “nothing is happening”
This is a common misconception.
True nervous-system regulation means:
- You can feel grounded during movement
- You can tolerate uncertainty without panic
- Your body trusts you to keep it safe
That’s why you can have four appointments, travel, and still feel calm.
That’s earned safety, not situational comfort.
Why this stage matters so much
5. Calm is the foundation for everything next
When the nervous system settles:
- Memory integrates (less intrusive recall)
- Decision-making improves (prefrontal cortex comes back online)
- Boundaries feel natural, not forced
- You stop needing to escape to feel okay
This is why people often say:
“I didn’t realise how unwell I was until I felt calm again.”
You’re not losing your edge.
You’re regaining your baseline.
One gentle thing to know as you move forward
Calm may come and go at first. That’s normal.
Each time it returns, it becomes more familiar.
You’re not “tempting fate” by enjoying it.
You’re teaching your nervous system:
“This is allowed now.”
And it is.
