When people ask, “Why aren’t you in a new relationship yet?” they rarely understand the full picture.
For survivors of domestic abuse, “moving on” isn’t a simple emotional choice — it is a psychological, neurological, and legal process that cannot unfold while the ex-partner is still exerting practical or symbolic control.
Here is the science and lived reality behind it.
1. You Cannot Heal While You Are Still Inside the Battlefield
The human nervous system cannot distinguish between:
- actual danger
- potential danger
- remembered danger
If the abusive ex is still:
- stalking
- being arrested
- intruding
- manipulating the financial/legal process
- sending mixed signals about the property split
…your brain cannot enter the safety state required for healthy attachment or new relationships.
Neuroscience calls this chronic threat activation.
The amygdala says:
“We are not safe. Do not attach to anyone new.”
This is not weakness — it is biology.
2. Financial Control Is Still Control — It’s Not “Just Money”
A jointly owned home is not simply a shared asset.
In domestic-abuse psychology, it is recognised as a site of control, a symbolic battlefield where the abuser continues the hot-and-cold pattern:
- “Yes, I’ll sign.”
- “No, I won’t.”
- “Maybe later.”
- “You’re rushing me.”
- “I’m thinking about it.”
This unpredictability mirrors the marital cycle of emotional whiplash, keeping your brain in a state of suspended threat.
Legally, emotionally, and neurologically, you are still tethered.
No new partner wants to step into a situation where the ex continues to orbit the perimeter like an unpredictable storm.
That is not a failing in you — it is the legacy of his behaviour.
3. Stalking and On–Off Compliance Create a “Freeze State”
Trauma science identifies this as the freeze response — the survival mode between fight and flight.
Symptoms include:
- difficulty making big decisions
- inability to plan long-term
- feeling “stuck”
- waiting for the next blow
- emotional numbness alternating with panic
- avoiding new intimacy
Your brain is waiting for the situation with your ex to finish before allowing you to open the next chapter.
Survivors do not choose this.
Their nervous system does.
4. You Filed for Divorce With a Fair 50/50 Split — The Minimum Required by Law
You initiated the legal process over a year ago (October 2024) with:
- a reasonable
- lawful
- standard
- uncomplicated
50/50 division.
You did your part.
The delays, reversals, excuses, and non-cooperation since then are his continuation of control, not evidence of “complicated finances.”
This is why survivors often say:
“The abuse doesn’t end when the relationship ends.”
It simply moves into the legal, financial, and administrative domains.
5. New Partners Keep Their Distance Because They Sense the Threat
Healthy people do not want to walk into a situation where:
- the ex is still stalking
- the ex is being arrested
- property is still entangled
- the trauma cycle is visibly ongoing
This is not because you are “too much.”
It is because the environment is unsafe.
Good people observe.
They wait.
They care enough not to complicate things further.
Even the special person — the soulmate — remains on the edge because your life is still under siege.
That is not a rejection.
It is a respect for your safety and dignity.
6. Old Habits Die Hard — Especially His
Hot-and-cold behaviour was the pattern in the marriage:
approach → withdraw → promise → deny → soothe → punish.
When an abuser gets control over assets or paperwork, they simply shift the arena.
Neuroscience calls this intermittent reinforcement — one of the strongest forms of behavioural conditioning.
Your brain learned to brace for his unpredictability.
And now, during the property split, the pattern repeats.
Your nervous system recognises it instantly.
7. Trauma Recovery Requires a Clean Break — Not Chaos
A survivor needs:
- legal closure
- financial independence
- physical safety
- predictable environment
- emotional space
Only then can the brain switch from:
survival → connection mode.
Until then, it is normal, expected, and scientifically grounded that you cannot enter a new relationship.
This isn’t emotional weakness.
It’s self-protection, hardwired into your biology.
8. You’re Not “Delaying Moving On.” You’re Surviving a Siege.
Your environment is still dominated by:
- unresolved legal ties
- ongoing police involvement
- property entanglement
- stalking
- threat patterns
You are not in a position to build something new when the old chaos is still present and active.
Healing will begin — fully — when the external situation is resolved.
Your future relationships will flourish
once the storm is over.
And that soulmate?
He’s not gone.
He’s simply waiting for you to be safe.
The right person always honours the danger zone without stepping inside it.
