One of the most infuriating parts of healing from long-term abuse isn’t just the trauma itself — it’s the endless stream of clueless people offering “advice” without any understanding of what chronic trauma does to the brain.
“Just move on.”
“You should be over it by now.”
“You’ll meet someone else soon.”
“You’ll be remarried in a year!”
This is advice from people who have never lived inside a traumatised nervous system. They don’t understand the biology. They don’t understand the psychology. They don’t understand your reality.
Trauma Doesn’t Live in Your Memory — It Lives in Your Nervous System
Long-term abuse changes your brain at a structural and chemical level.
Here’s the science:
🧠 1. The amygdala (fear centre) becomes hypersensitive.
Years of threat make it trigger faster and louder than in the average person.
This means even small reminders can create overwhelming emotional reactions.
🧠 2. The prefrontal cortex (logic, planning, emotional regulation) goes offline.
During abuse, the brain prioritizes survival over reasoning.
It’s not you — it’s neurobiology.
🧠 3. The hippocampus (memory + context) shrinks under chronic stress.
This affects how you process time, events, and emotional memories.
The brain literally struggles to sort “past danger” from “present safety.”
🧠 4. Cortisol (stress hormone) gets stuck at abnormal levels.
Your body learns constant readiness for danger.
Rest becomes difficult.
Trust becomes harder.
Your system stays in “alert mode” even after the danger is gone.
This is why you cannot simply “get over it.”
Your brain is not being slow — it is trying to rewrite years of survival programming.
Healing = Recalibrating Your Entire Nervous System
Healing from abuse means teaching your brain and body:
- what safety feels like
- what calm feels like
- what trust feels like
- what stability feels like
- what peace feels like
This isn’t emotional — it’s physiological retraining.
Neuroscientists call this neural pathway restructuring.
Your brain is literally creating new wiring pathways to replace the old trauma-based circuits.
This cannot be rushed.
This cannot be forced.
This cannot be put on a timeline.
Why Fast Advice Is Harmful
People who tell you to “move on” do not understand that your reactions:
- are biological
- are protective
- come from the brain trying to keep you alive
Telling a traumatised brain to “speed up” is like telling a broken bone to “heal faster.”
It doesn’t work.
It causes more damage.
You’re Not Stuck — You’re Rewiring
Every step you take — resting, crying, laughing, retreating, trying again — is your nervous system recalibrating.
These aren’t setbacks; they are part of the healing cycle.
Psychology calls this integration:
Your brain is gradually aligning new experiences with old wounds.
Neuroscience calls this neuroplasticity:
Your brain is forming new healthy pathways to replace the ones built in fear.
Healing feels slow because the brain is doing something extraordinary.
Your Pace Is the Only Pace That Works
The truth is simple and scientific:
You cannot go faster than your nervous system’s capacity.
Trying to rush trauma recovery only retraumatizes the system.
Going slowly is not weakness — it is trauma-informed, neurobiologically correct healing.
Anyone who pushes you to be “normal” again does not understand what normal even means after decades of survival mode.
The only pace that matters is the one your body feels safe in.
Not the one that makes other people comfortable.
You Are Recalibrating Beautifully
You are not behind.
You are not slow.
You are not broken.
You are literally rebuilding your brain — neuron by neuron, pathway by pathway, moment by moment.
And that requires patience, safety, gentleness, and time.
The people who tell you to “just move on” don’t know the science.
But you know your nervous system.
You know what you need.
You know the truth of your lived experience.
And you’re healing exactly the way your brain was designed to heal —
slowly, steadily, and in perfect rhythm with your own recovery.
