By a survivor reclaiming her voice
Seven people once knew the truth.
My sister Anna, my best friend of thirty-four years Julia, my long-time friends Elena from Spain, Claire and Nina from France, my brother’s wife Catherine—my friend since we were thirteen—and my late brother Michael.
And then, of course, the professionals: the doctor, the psychologist, and the gendarmes in France.
All of them knew about the strangulation.
And one by one, he tried to erase them.
He whispered doubts. He twisted words. He told me never to speak to them again. He set people against each other, planting quiet poison so no one would compare notes or ask too many questions.
It’s what abusers do: they destroy the witness network.
But underneath that cruelty lies a deep, well-documented neurological pattern of control.
1. The Neuroscience of Isolation
Human safety isn’t just physical—it’s neurological.
When we feel connected to others, our brain’s ventral vagal system (the “social safety” branch of the vagus nerve) calms the body. We regulate through proximity, voice, and empathy.
When that connection is severed—by isolation, fear, or manipulation—the brain flips into threat mode.
- The amygdala fires repeatedly, scanning for danger.
- The hypothalamus–pituitary–adrenal (HPA) axis releases stress hormones like cortisol.
- Over time, the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that makes rational decisions and perceives reality clearly, goes offline.
That’s why isolation is one of the most powerful tools an abuser can use—it doesn’t just cut off your friends; it cuts off your brain’s ability to think clearly and to plan escape.
2. Psychological Mechanisms: Control Through Disconnection
Abusers instinctively understand what social neuroscience confirms: humans draw strength and clarity from connection.
If a survivor has a strong network, she can reality-check the gaslighting, she can get help, she can remember who she is.
So the abuser dismantles that network—quietly, systematically.
He might:
- Tell Anna that you’ve said cruel things about her.
- Convince Julia that you’re unstable or ungrateful.
- Exaggerate something Catherine said until you feel betrayed.
- Mock Elena and Claire for “interfering,” painting them as meddlers.
- Frame Michael’s memory as a source of guilt instead of strength.
Psychologically, this tactic is called relational triangulation—creating distrust between the survivor and her allies so the abuser remains the sole emotional authority.
Once that happens, the survivor’s attachment system becomes wired toward the abuser: the very person causing harm becomes the only person who can soothe the harm.
This is known as trauma bonding, and it has clear neurochemical roots.
3. The Neurochemistry of Trauma Bonding
When an abuser alternates cruelty with affection—withdrawal followed by warmth—the survivor’s brain releases dopamine and oxytocin in unpredictable bursts.
The result:
- The brain becomes addicted to intermittent “rewards.”
- The survivor begins to crave reconciliation instead of safety.
- Isolation intensifies the cycle, because no other social bonds remain to balance the neurochemical high and crash.
In studies of coercive control, survivors show heightened activity in stress circuits and suppressed connectivity in regions responsible for self-perception and autonomy.
In plain terms: the brain starts to confuse survival with obedience.
4. Why Abusers Erase Witnesses
From a psychological point of view, an abuser’s isolation tactics serve two intertwined purposes:
- Erasure of Accountability
If no one else knows, or if everyone doubts what they know, the story dies.
That means no evidence, no allies, no external conscience. - Total Control of Narrative
Once the survivor’s social world shrinks to the size of the abuser’s approval, they control both punishment and redemption.
The abuser becomes judge, jury, and saviour.
Social psychology research calls this information control—a tactic shared by cult leaders, authoritarian regimes, and coercive partners alike.
Isolation is not a symptom of abuse; it is the architecture of it.
5. The Aftermath: Healing the Disconnected Brain
Recovery begins when reconnection begins.
Even a single restored friendship can start to reverse the neurological damage.
- Safe human contact reactivates the ventral vagal circuit, lowering cortisol and restoring calm.
- Sharing the truth with someone trusted rebuilds the hippocampal narrative—the brain’s ability to form coherent memory after trauma.
- Gentle, consistent relationships retrain the brain to associate safety with connection again, not control.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s Anna or Julia or a new friend who listens; what matters is that you are no longer alone inside the story.
6. The Bigger Picture
Abusers often look like experts in human psychology because they exploit ancient neural reflexes:
our fear of rejection, our craving for belonging, our longing to be understood.
But survivors are experts too—experts in endurance, pattern recognition, and reconstruction.
Each reconnection—each text, call, or message sent to someone from the “erased” network—restores a piece of your nervous system.
It’s neuroplasticity in action: the rewiring of the brain through safety and truth.
7. Closing Reflection
He may have silenced seven people.
But he didn’t silence your nervous system, your memory, or your voice.
Neurons that fire together wire together—and yours are learning to fire for safety, clarity, and connection again.
