“Intermittent engagement” or “hot-cold behavior” in psychology. Let’s break down why this happens from a neuroscience and psychological perspective.
1️⃣ The Behavior: Mixed Signals and “Dangling”
When someone says they want to see you but doesn’t follow through, or claims they’ll call tomorrow but disappears, it creates uncertainty and anxiety. This is a form of inconsistent reinforcement — a psychological principle where rewards (attention, affection, communication) are unpredictable.
- Effect on the brain: The dopamine system (reward circuitry) gets activated by the hope of connection. Your brain keeps anticipating the “reward” (a call, a visit, a message), even if it rarely comes. This is the same system that makes gambling addictive.
- Effect on emotions: You feel hopeful, then disappointed repeatedly. Over time, your nervous system becomes hyper-vigilant, scanning for signs of attention or rejection.
2️⃣ Why People Do This: Psychological Motives
There are several common reasons people engage in this behavior:
a) Control or Power Play
Some individuals gain a sense of control by keeping others uncertain. It’s less about you personally and more about their need to feel in charge.
b) Avoidant or Fearful Attachment
Attachment theory shows that people with avoidant or anxious attachment styles struggle with intimacy:
- Avoidant types pull away when closeness increases. They may make promises to see you but retreat when the emotional risk is real.
- Anxious types may also inadvertently create this pattern, because they crave attention but act inconsistently due to fear of rejection.
c) Emotional Immaturity or Self-Absorption
Some people haven’t developed the skills to communicate honestly or manage others’ expectations. They may not even consciously realize the impact of their actions.
3️⃣ The Neuroscience Behind “Head Games”
- Amygdala hyperactivation: Uncertainty triggers fear circuits. Your brain interprets mixed signals as a potential social threat, causing stress and anxiety.
- Prefrontal cortex suppression: When anxious or confused, logical reasoning can get sidelined, making you ruminate or overanalyze their behavior.
- Dopamine looping: Each time they reach out, your reward system spikes, reinforcing the cycle of hope and disappointment.
This is why dangling someone — giving intermittent attention — is so compelling and often frustrating. The brain becomes addicted to the “maybe”, not the reality.
4️⃣ Recognizing the Pattern
From a psychological perspective, this behavior often falls under:
- Manipulative or controlling behavior (intentional or unconscious)
- Avoidant attachment and fear of intimacy
- Inconsistent reinforcement dynamics
The key is: this is about their patterns, not your worth.
5️⃣ How to Protect Your Nervous System
- Set boundaries: Decide what is acceptable behavior and stick to it.
- Don’t chase: Intermittent attention tricks the brain into staying hooked. Walking away is self-care.
- Check attachment patterns: Understand if your own anxiety might make you more sensitive to mixed signals — and practice self-regulation.
- Focus on predictability: Spend time with people who show up reliably — this trains your nervous system to feel safe again.
