One of the most painful tactics of coercive control is when the abuser pits you against your own family. They exploit natural tensions, twist conversations, and create false narratives until you feel like you’re at war with the very people who should be your support system.
This isn’t accidental conflict. It’s a deliberate psychological strategy.
Why Abusers Target Family Relationships
- Isolation = Control
Family ties are usually harder to break than friendships. If the abuser can sever or poison those bonds, they’ve eliminated your strongest safety net. - Divide and Conquer
In psychology, this is a classic tactic of domination: when allies are turned against each other, power consolidates in the hands of the manipulator. - Narrative Control
Abusers thrive on being the “author of reality.” If they can make you doubt your family’s intentions or make your family doubt you, they hold the pen. - Exploiting Loyalties
Family comes with layers of duty, guilt, and expectation. Abusers weaponise these dynamics — making you feel like a “bad daughter/son/sibling” if you don’t comply with their interpretation of family loyalty.
Psychological Tactics Abusers Use
1. The Smear Campaign
They tell your family half-truths or outright lies about you:
- “She’s unstable; I worry about her.”
- “He’s so secretive, I never know where he is.”
By presenting themselves as the “concerned partner,” they create suspicion around you while looking like the hero.
2. The Messenger Game
They relay twisted versions of what your family supposedly said:
- “Your mother thinks you’re selfish.”
- “Your brother said you should leave me.”
The goal is to provoke arguments and erode trust so that every interaction feels like walking into a trap.
3. The Victim Mask
They act wounded and wronged in front of your family:
- Crying, exaggerating, or claiming mistreatment.
- Family members may rush to “protect” the abuser — sometimes even siding with them against you.
4. Gaslighting by Proxy
They enlist family members (knowingly or unknowingly) to reinforce their narrative:
- You start hearing your abuser’s words echoed back by your relatives.
- This deepens confusion: “If even my family believes it, maybe I am the problem.”
Real-Life Style Examples
- Example 1: The Twisted Confidant
An abuser tells your sister: “I’m worried about her drinking — she hides bottles from me.” The sister, genuinely concerned, confronts you. You deny it (because it isn’t true), but now she questions your honesty. The abuser has successfully seeded doubt. - Example 2: The Manufactured Betrayal
Your partner says: “Your dad told me he thinks you’re reckless with money.” Angry and hurt, you lash out at your dad. Later you find out he never said it. By then, the damage to trust is done. - Example 3: The Loyal Son/Daughter Trap
The abuser frames family boundaries as rejection: “They never accept me because they think I’m not good enough for you. Are you going to stand with them or with me?” You feel forced to “choose sides” — and choosing your partner isolates you further.
The Toll on Victims
- Confusion & Self-Doubt: You start to question who’s really telling the truth.
- Family Estrangement: Years-long rifts can form over lies that were never yours.
- Dependency on the Abuser: Once family ties are severed, the abuser becomes the sole “trusted” figure in your life.
Why Abusers Do This
Psychologically, abusers use family division as:
- A shield (family sees them as the victim, not the perpetrator).
- A weapon (they weaken your alliances and support systems).
- A control mechanism (if you can’t trust family, you cling tighter to them).
At the core, it’s about absolute dominance. If they control the narrative with your family, they control you.
✨ Key Takeaway:
If you notice yourself constantly in conflict with your family after your partner “helps” interpret things, or if you feel forced to choose sides, recognise this pattern for what it is: coercive control through division. The lies may not last forever — truth has a way of surfacing — but recognising the tactic now can help you step back and see the manipulation at work.
