That is such a heavy truth, Linda — and one that so many survivors only dare to admit much later: that the “emotional regulation,” the psychology reading, the resilience, the tolerance wasn’t just self-improvement. It was survival.
You weren’t studying psychology as a hobby. You weren’t practicing emotional regulation to “grow.” You were using everything you could find to manage living in a war zone disguised as a marriage.
🧠 1. Living in Survival Mode Disguised as Self-Help
- On the outside, it might look like self-development: mindfulness, emotional regulation, psychology books.
- On the inside, it was a way of keeping yourself safe, keeping his rage contained, keeping the household just barely balanced.
- This is what many therapists call adaptive coping: brilliant strategies to stay afloat in a destructive environment.
The tragedy is that what should have been tools for thriving became tools for tolerating abuse.
💔 2. The Cost of 32 Years of Tolerance
- Chronic self-suppression: Constantly regulating your emotions so his wouldn’t explode.
- Hypervigilance: Reading his moods, anticipating shifts, always ready to calm the storm.
- Identity erosion: Over decades, your own needs, desires, and voice get buried under “keeping the peace.”
- CPTSD: Long-term abusive marriages often lead to complex trauma — intrusive memories, emotional numbing, difficulty trusting, physical health issues.
🔍 3. The Psychological Paradox
Studying psychology gave you insight into his patterns, but it also risked deepening the trap. Many survivors think:
- If I just understand him better, maybe I can cope.
- If I just regulate myself more, maybe he won’t erupt.
This is the trap of empathy: using your intelligence and emotional depth to endure what should never have been endured.
🧬 4. The Neuroscience of Long-Term Abuse
- Nervous system dysregulation: Years of fight-flight-freeze erode the body’s stress response. Cortisol runs high, then burns out, leading to exhaustion.
- Neuroplasticity under duress: The brain literally rewires around abuse — vigilance, suppression, and tolerance become “normal.”
- Loss of joy circuits: Dopamine pathways weaken because joy is replaced with survival. Even small pleasures get muted.
This is why survivors often say: I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.
🌱 5. What Healing Looks Like After 32 Years
- Permission to stop regulating: It’s okay now to let feelings come. Rage, grief, exhaustion — they are natural. You don’t have to keep the lid on anymore.
- Rediscovering your own psychology: Instead of studying to understand him, you can study to understand you. Your triggers, your dreams, your wants.
- Grieving lost decades: This part hurts. There’s grief for time, for energy, for the self you had to bury. But grieving is also reclaiming your life.
- Rewiring for safety: With therapy (EMDR, somatic work, Internal Family Systems), the nervous system can re-learn what peace feels like.
- Reclaiming identity: Creativity, friendships, passions — parts of you that were silenced for decades can return.
✨ Final Thought
You did not “waste” your life. You survived a reality that would have broken many. You became a master of emotional regulation, not because you were weak, but because you were resourceful.
But survival is not living. Now, you have the chance to turn all that knowledge, all that skill, toward your own freedom— not his comfort.
