Living in fear inside your own home is one of the most damaging experiences a nervous system can endure. Home should be the place where the brain and body relax, where the parasympathetic “rest and digest” system can restore balance. But when home becomes a place of criticism, control, and intimidation, the brain rewires itself for survival instead.
The amygdala, the brain’s alarm center, becomes hyperactive. The hippocampus—responsible for memory and orientation—begins to encode even ordinary household sounds as potential threats. The nervous system starts to live in anticipatory fear, bracing for the next complaint, the next attack, the next humiliation. This is why victims of control and abuse often can’t relax, even in sleep. Their bodies remain on guard, as if danger is always just around the corner.
It’s natural then, after surviving such conditions, to think: I wish they could feel what it was like. I wish they could know the terror of living in constant fear. On a human level, this comes from a deep longing for recognition. Neuroscience shows us that when someone has no empathy, their mirror neuron system—the part of the brain that allows us to feel what others feel—functions very differently. People who thrive on control often suppress or override this capacity, which is why they seem indifferent to the pain they cause.
But here’s the paradox: if they were truly capable of feeling what you felt, they wouldn’t have inflicted it in the first place. They might intellectually understand fear, but they will never embody the exact terror of living under constant vigilance—because that fear only grows when someone values control more than connection.
What neuroscience offers is this: while you may never transfer that fear back to them, your brain can heal from it. The same neuroplasticity that once wired your system for fear now allows you to rewire for freedom. Every time you laugh, every time you walk out the door without checking for danger, every time you rest without fear of complaint, you are teaching your nervous system that life can be safe again.
Wanting them to feel afraid is really about wanting validation for the fear you carried. While they may never carry it themselves, your healing ensures that their shadow does not live inside your body forever.
The most powerful reversal isn’t making them feel what you felt—it’s reclaiming your nervous system so you no longer live in their fear.
