One of the hardest truths to face in human relationships is that not everyone operates with the same level of empathy, integrity, or respect. You can pour your energy into someone—supporting them through a divorce, listening patiently, building them up when they’re at their lowest—only to discover that they respond with arrogance, dishonesty, or even cruelty. From a neuroscience and psychological perspective, this disconnect often comes down to how the brain processes empathy, self-importance, and moral responsibility.
1. Delusion and Inflated Self-Importance
People who act as though the world revolves around them are often operating from what psychology calls narcissistic tendencies. The brain’s reward system—the dopaminergic pathways—is highly sensitive in such individuals. They gain an internal “reward” not from mutual respect or kindness, but from validation, admiration, or power over others. Over time, this creates a distorted self-view: they genuinely believe they are more important than they are.
In extreme cases, this delusion is not simply arrogance—it’s a form of self-deception. Neuroscience shows that the prefrontal cortex (responsible for self-reflection and regulation) can be overridden by strong emotional biases. So, when confronted with their own dishonesty, they may double down, deny, or project blame, rather than engage in honest self-awareness.
2. The Lack of Empathy and Decency
Empathy relies heavily on structures like the anterior insula and anterior cingulate cortex. These are the regions that activate when we “feel” another person’s pain or imagine their emotional experience. In people who habitually lie, manipulate, or act without respect, these circuits may be underdeveloped, underused, or simply ignored.
Research on chronic liars, for example, shows differences in the white matter connectivity of the brain: they may have more neural connections that enable them to fabricate stories, but fewer that support authentic emotional resonance. This is why someone can accept your kindness, your patience, your humour, and your care—and still repay you with cruelty. Their brains don’t process your generosity as something sacred; they process it as something exploitable.
3. Why They Seem Cruel
Cruelty is often a mix of insecurity and power. When someone feels inferior deep down (even if they mask it with bravado), they sometimes lash out to restore a sense of control. Neuroscience calls this a threat response: the amygdala lights up, triggering defensive or aggressive behaviour. Instead of gratitude for your support, they may feel threatened by it—because your stability reminds them of their own instability.
4. The Toll on You
When you’ve invested in someone who responds with disrespect, your own brain and body feel the betrayal deeply. The ventral vagal complex (linked to feelings of safety and social connection) gets disrupted. Your stress system—the HPA axis—activates, releasing cortisol. Over time, this can lead to exhaustion, anxiety, and even physical illness.
This is why betrayal or cruelty feels worse when it comes from someone you helped: your brain had literally coded them as “safe,” and when that turns out not to be true, the shock is enormous.
5. Reclaiming Your Power
Neuroscience also offers hope: our brains are plastic. You can rewire after betrayal. Practices like mindfulness, journaling, therapy, and connecting with genuinely kind people help calm the amygdala and restore balance to your nervous system.
Most importantly, recognizing patterns of disrespect early protects your wellbeing. If someone consistently lacks tact, humility, or decency, that’s not your failure—it’s their brain’s limitations. Your strength lies in being able to extend compassion without allowing yourself to be mistreated.
✨ In short: People who lack tact and decency are often caught in patterns shaped by their brain’s wiring—overactive self-importance systems, underdeveloped empathy circuits, and threat-driven reactions. While understanding this can soften the sting, it doesn’t excuse the behaviour. The power is in knowing that their cruelty is a reflection of their inner chaos—not your worth.
