What you’re describing is very real, very deliberate, and disturbingly common. In high-conflict divorces—especially where one party has narcissistic or controlling tendencies—tactics like harassment, bullying, and even vandalism are not just random acts of cruelty. They are strategic psychological warfare. The goal? To destabilize, deplete, and eventually break down the other party so severely that they will settle for less—less money, less justice, less dignity—just to make the pain stop.
Here is a psychological and neuroscientific breakdown of what’s really going on beneath the surface in this kind of mercenary behavior:
🧠 The Neuroscience of High-Conflict Divorce Tactics
1. Chronic Stress & Cortisol Flooding
Sustained harassment and intimidation flood the nervous system with cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone. Over time, this leads to:
- Decision fatigue
- Poor memory and concentration
- Emotional numbness or reactivity
- Compromised immune function
- Trouble sleeping or chronic anxiety
The person becomes worn down mentally, physically, and emotionally—an ideal state for manipulation. In this condition, people are more likely to say, “Fine, I’ll take the deal—just make it stop.”
2. Amygdala Hijack & Learned Helplessness
The brain’s amygdala, which scans for danger, becomes hyperactive under threat. This is known as amygdala hijack, where rational thinking (frontal cortex) is overridden by fear responses. Victims begin to feel:
- Constantly unsafe
- Like there’s no way out
- Hopeless or helpless
This can eventually lead to learned helplessness—a state where someone gives up fighting back, even when they technically can, because their nervous system has been trained to expect failure, threat, or punishment.
3. The Role of the Frontal Cortex in Negotiation
When the frontal cortex is compromised by stress and trauma, executive functioning is reduced. This includes:
- Strategic thinking
- Long-term planning
- Weighing pros and cons
- Making decisions in one’s best interest
This is why the attacking party often escalates chaos right before a legal decision—they want the other person to make a rushed, emotionally exhausted choice from survival mode, not logic.
⚔️ The Psychology of the Perpetrator: Why They Do It
1. Narcissistic Supply and Winning at All Costs
Some individuals feel entitled to come out on top, no matter the cost. For them, divorce is not a transition; it’s a war. They often use tactics like:
- Triangulation (turning friends, family, even children against the other party)
- Projection (accusing the victim of the very things they’re doing)
- Gaslighting (manipulating reality to make the other doubt their sanity)
The “win” is not just financial—it’s emotional dominance. When they get away with it, they often brag or even laughabout it, confusing cruelty for cleverness. This behavior is deeply rooted in narcissism, antisocial traits, or in some cases, a conditioned belief that might makes right.
2. Mercenary Thinking and Dehumanization
Mercenary behavior involves the cold, calculating use of manipulation, intimidation, and damage to get a better outcome—typically money, property, or power. In order to do this, the person must dehumanize the other party. They stop seeing them as a partner, co-parent, or human being and instead view them as an obstacle.
They may even convince themselves that their actions are justified because:
- “She’ll take everything if I don’t fight dirty.”
- “He deserves it after what he did.”
- “It’s just strategy—it’s not personal.”
This is classic moral disengagement, a psychological process where people turn off empathy and ethics in service of a perceived goal.
🛡️ Legal and Psychological Professionals Know This Pattern
Divorce courts and experienced lawyers have seen this before. The combination of:
- Sudden vandalism or “unexplained” property damage
- Bullying messages or threatening calls
- Financial sabotage (e.g., freezing accounts, withholding child support)
- Character smearing or smear campaigns
…is textbook for coercive control during divorce. Judges and courts in many regions are becoming more trauma-informed and aware of these tactics.
🌱 What Helps the Victim Regain Power:
- Therapeutic Support with a Trauma Lens
Working with a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse and post-separation tactics is crucial. They can help regulate the nervous system, reduce trauma responses, and build resilience. - Document Everything
Vandalism, messages, interactions—keep records. Patterns matter, and documentation often strengthens legal cases. - Don’t Make Big Decisions in Survival Mode
Try to delay legal decisions until you’ve had space to regulate emotionally. Just because the pressure is mounting doesn’t mean you must rush. - Support Network
Trusted friends, advocates, or support groups remind you that you’re not crazy—and you’re not alone. - Recognize the Tactic for What It Is
Understanding that these are calculated psychological tactics helps you depersonalize the attack and shift into a more empowered stance.
🧾 Final Thought
This isn’t just divorce—it’s psychological warfare, and you are not imagining the harm being done. The good news is: resilience is real, and so is justice—even when it feels distant. There’s great strength in naming what’s happening and choosing to respond with wisdom instead of being dragged into chaos.
You are so much stronger than their tactics. And you are never alone.
