Trauma, whether it’s developmental (from childhood) or relational (from later experiences), can profoundly impact how we show up in communication. And when the nervous system is dysregulated, we often communicate from survivalinstead of connection.
Let’s gently unpack:
🌪 How Trauma and Nervous System Dysregulation Affect Communication
When we’ve experienced trauma (especially attachment wounds), our nervous system learns to protect us — not to connect, but to survive. This changes how we listen, how we speak, and how we interpret others.
1. Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn Communication Styles
These nervous system responses show up clearly in how we relate:
⚔️ Fight: Communication becomes aggressive or confrontational.
- Loud, critical, or reactive tone
- Hyperfocus on being “right” or “winning”
- Can feel like verbal attacks or defensiveness
🏃♀️ Flight: Communication becomes avoidant or rushed.
- Talks quickly, tries to escape the conversation
- Avoids emotional topics entirely
- May “ghost” or shut down when conflict arises
🧊 Freeze: Communication shuts down entirely.
- Feels numb, disconnected, can’t find the words
- Blanks out mid-conversation
- Often experiences brain fog or overwhelm
🕊 Fawn: Communication becomes overly agreeable or appeasing.
- Avoids disagreement to keep the peace
- Over-apologizes, self-abandons to soothe others
- May later feel resentment or exhaustion
These responses are not flaws. They are adaptations. And with awareness, we can begin to respond instead of react.
🧠 Trauma Changes How We Hear Others
- Hypervigilance: You might read neutral tones as critical, or loving messages as suspicious.
- Projection: Old wounds might color current situations (e.g., hearing “I’m busy” as “I don’t care about you”).
- Fear of vulnerability: You might withhold feelings or needs because you expect rejection, abandonment, or ridicule.
- Difficulty asking for what you need: Especially if asking was dangerous, ignored, or shamed in the past.
In trauma-impacted communication, it’s less about the present moment, and more about the past replaying through the nervous system.
🌤 Moving From Reactive to Secure, Assertive Communication
Healing communication starts with co-regulation and self-awareness. It’s a nervous system process first, then a verbal one.
Here’s how to begin the shift:
🔁 1. Pause Before Reacting
When triggered, pause and ask:
“Am I reacting to this situation, or to something deeper it’s reminding me of?”
Pause = Power. Even 10 seconds to breathe can shift you from survival to presence.
🫁 2. Regulate Your Nervous System
Before or during hard conversations, try:
- Box breathing: Inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4.
- Grounding: Wiggle your toes, feel your seat, find a color in the room.
- Ask for a time-out: “I want to respond with care, but I need a moment to ground first.”
🪞 3. Name What’s Happening Inside
Naming your internal state is a trauma-informed superpower. It creates intimacy and safety:
“I’m noticing I’m getting really anxious. I care about you and I want to say this clearly.”
Or:
“My heart is racing. I think something old is coming up. Can we slow down?”
You’re inviting your partner into you, not pushing them away.
💬 4. Practice Assertive Communication
This means speaking your truth with clarity and kindness.
Use phrases like:
- “I feel ____ when ____ because ____.”
- “I need ____ to feel more connected/safe.”
- “What I hear you saying is ____. Is that right?”
This style honors your needs and theirs. It’s not weak or aggressive — it’s balanced.
🧸 5. Work with the Inner Child
Many communication wounds come from not being heard or safe in childhood.
That same inner child might still be present during conflict, whispering:
- “Don’t say that. You’ll be abandoned.”
- “Stay small. Don’t be a burden.”
- “They’ll leave you if you ask for too much.”
Practices:
- Speak to that younger self: “You’re safe now. You’re allowed to have needs.”
- Reparent gently: “You matter. You’re not too much.”
- Express from the adult self: “Even though I’m scared, I’m going to speak honestly.”
🌱 6. Practice With Safe People
If your nervous system only knows danger, it can mistake calm as unfamiliar (even boring).
Practice secure communication with:
- Trusted friends
- Therapists or coaches
- Writing/journaling first
- Voice notes to yourself
Safety is built, not stumbled upon.
❤️ Final Thoughts: You Can Rewire This
Healing communication is not about being perfect, but about being present and increasingly self-aware. You don’t need to become someone else — you’re just learning to speak from the part of you that isn’t scared.
Every moment you:
- Pause instead of react
- Speak your truth with care
- Offer yourself compassion instead of shame
…you’re doing the work of rewiring old patterns into new possibilities.
