It’s one of the most damaging myths survivors are told:
“You just need to kiss and make up.”
“All couples fight — you just have to let it go.”
“Stop bringing up the past.”
No. Let’s get one thing absolutely clear.
An argument is a disagreement.
Abuse is a pattern of power, control, and harm.
☑️ Arguments happen between equals.
They may be heated, passionate, even messy — but there is space for both voices. There’s no fear. There’s mutual repair.
❌ Abuse happens in an imbalance of power.
There’s fear. Intimidation. Emotional manipulation. Gaslighting. Belittling. Sometimes, there’s physical or financial control too. It’s not about a single “fight” — it’s about someone systematically undermining your autonomy, your sense of reality, and your safety.
Why You Should Absolutely Bring Up the Past If It Was Abuse
When someone says, “Stop living in the past,” what they often mean is:
“Stop holding me accountable.”
But survivors are not “dwelling.”
They are processing. Naming. Reclaiming their truth.
And in the case of abuse — silence is not healing.
Silence is complicity.
If you’re in therapy, or in recovery, or even just starting to name what happened to you — bringing up the past isn’t petty or “negative.”
It’s essential.
It’s what stops cycles from repeating.
“Making Up” Doesn’t Apply to Abuse
In healthy relationships, making up after a disagreement can be healing. It often involves:
- Apologies
- Reflection
- Compromise
- Changed behavior
But you cannot “make up” with someone who abuses you.
Why?
Because in abuse, there is no shared ground.
There is no ownership of harm.
There is often a deep denial of reality itself.
Trying to “make up” with an abuser often leads to trauma bonding — a cycle of harm and reconciliation that becomes addictive and confusing. Survivors feel pulled in by moments of affection and remorse, only to be hurt again.
That is not love. That is control.
The Danger of Confusing Abuse with “Normal Fights”
This confusion is how so many survivors stay stuck.
It’s how society minimizes trauma.
- They call it “a rough patch.”
- They say “he didn’t mean it.”
- They encourage “forgiveness” before there’s even been any acknowledgment of harm.
And worst of all, they pressure survivors to silence themselves — to keep the peace, to be the bigger person, to move on.
But let’s be honest:
💬 If you are afraid to disagree,
💬 If you’re constantly apologizing to keep the peace,
💬 If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells,
💬 If your emotional or physical safety is at risk —
You’re not having a fight. You’re surviving abuse.
It’s Time to Tell the Truth
Let’s stop comparing a relationship based on fear, control, and coercion to a “typical fight.”
Let’s stop telling survivors to just “make up and move on.”
Let’s start validating what they actually went through.
✅ You are allowed to talk about it.
✅ You are allowed to name it.
✅ You are allowed to protect yourself.
✅ And you are allowed to never go back.
Because making peace with yourself and your truth is far more important than making peace with someone who harmed you.
✍️ Written from experience, observation, and countless conversations with survivors who were told to “stop bringing it up” — when the real problem was that no one wanted to hear the truth.
#EmotionalAbuseAwareness #FightVsAbuse #TraumaHealing #NotJustAnArgument #SurvivorTruth #TherapistVoice #SafeSpace
