People often ask survivors of long-term toxic relationships, “Why didn’t you just leave?”
The real question should be: “How could you, when everything — even your money — was used to keep you trapped?”

Over the last 32 years of my life, I worked. I earned. I contributed. And yet, I was always financially depleted. Not because I lived beyond my means, not because I was irresponsible — but because almost everything I earned was absorbed by someone else’s lifestyle.

His families comments “XXXXXXXX lived off my money too it’s called being married” where as weeks earlier when they visited the house I was told that “her pension was her pocket money to spend on herself” she went without nothing, quite a contradiction, she would say whatever suited her at the time.

Let me tell you where all that money went…

🚫 Private health insurance — which I barely used, but paid for in full for him. When it came to my health, I was often told to “wait and see” or “stop overreacting.”

🚫 Car costs — insurance, petrol, servicing… all split 50/50. But I hardly used the car. He took it almost daily, mostly for tennis, six days a week. When I needed it? I was told to ask friends for a lift.

🚫 Electricity — the bills were astronomical. Why? Because the heating and air-con ran non-stop, year-round, to his comfort levels. I paid half.

🚫 Food shopping — I paid half of the food bill, yet most of it was processed, unhealthy junk I didn’t eat. I cooked separately, but still paid equally.

🚫 Tennis subscriptions — his annual club fees were paid religiously. His schedule left little time, energy, or resources car for me to pursue anything of my own.

🚫 Pharmaceuticals — endless medications, many of which he could have obtained through Spain’s SIP card system, but instead were bought privately — and shared bills, of course.

All this meant that my earnings — everything I’d worked for — slowly disappeared. Not on me. Not on my wellness. Not on my hobbies, passions, or self-development. But on a shared life that was not equally shared at all.

This is what economic abuse can look like. And it’s invisible to the outside world.

People see a “comfortable” life and assume you’re fine. But comfort is not just financial — it’s emotional, psychological, and spiritual. And when you’re consistently deprived of autonomy, financial freedom, and the ability to meet your own needs or pursue your own dreams — you are not living freely. You are being controlled.

That’s where my money went. That’s where my time went. That’s where I went — into the background, slowly erased.

But not anymore.

Today, I am reclaiming not only my finances, but my sense of worth. I am learning that I do not need permission to spend money on myself. I do not have to explain my choices, justify my self-care, or go without while someone else indulges.

I share this because too many women (and men) go through this silently, thinking they’re “bad with money” or “not pulling their weight” — when in truth, they’re being systematically drained.

It’s not selfish to want equality.
It’s not dramatic to name the imbalance.
And it’s not too late to start again.

If you’ve been asking yourself where all your money, energy, and freedom went — maybe it’s time to stop blaming yourself and start seeing the truth.

#EconomicAbuseAwareness
#WhereDidMyMoneyGo
#FinancialFreedom
#LifeAfterAbuse
#NotThePersonYouThinkTheyAre
#ReclaimYourWorth
#InvisibleControl
#FreedomToChoose
#SurvivorStory
#TraumaRecovery
#EmpoweredLiving

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