By Linda C J Turner Therapy
When someone you trust shows a glaringly different side to the world than they show to you in private, it’s deeply confusing and painful. You might hear things like:
“Everyone thinks they’re so kind and generous…”
“But at home, they’re controlling, mean, critical, or even cruel.”
This disconnect between public and private personas is a hallmark of emotional abuse and manipulation. The person you see socially is not the person who treats you behind closed doors. This duality is more than just a “bad mood” or stress — it’s a pattern with profound psychological and neurological implications.
The Psychology Behind the Mask
From a psychological perspective, many manipulative individuals develop what’s called a “false self” — a crafted identity designed to win admiration, avoid accountability, and maintain control. This false self can be charming, generous, even heroic in public, while the “true self” may be dismissive, controlling, or abusive in private.
This duplicity is not just confusing to others but especially isolating for victims. It creates a unique kind of emotional entrapment:
- Victims feel disbelieved because no one else sees the harmful behavior.
- They often internalize the blame, doubting their own perceptions.
- The manipulator’s public charm makes the abuse easier to hide and harder to escape.
What Neuroscience Tells Us
Neuroscience offers fascinating insights into how this duplicity affects the brain and emotional regulation of both victim and abuser.
1. The Abuser’s Brain and False Self
Research suggests that individuals who display manipulative and narcissistic traits often have differences in brain areas linked to empathy and emotional regulation — notably the prefrontal cortex and amygdala. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for impulse control and decision-making, while the amygdala regulates emotions like fear and aggression.
- Their ability to mask emotions and regulate behavior in public settings often involves cognitive effort to suppress impulses.
- This “false self” is a protective mechanism shaped by insecurity, trauma, or a deep need for control.
- In private, without the social audience, emotional regulation breaks down, revealing their true, often aggressive or dismissive self.
2. The Victim’s Brain and Trauma Response
For those subjected to this kind of emotional abuse, the brain’s stress response system is frequently activated. Chronic exposure to manipulation and gaslighting can lead to:
- Heightened activity in the amygdala, causing hypervigilance and anxiety.
- Dysregulation in the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, leading to difficulties managing stress hormones like cortisol.
- Difficulty trusting memories or emotional experiences, because of persistent doubt planted by the abuser’s contradictory behavior.
This neurological turmoil contributes to symptoms often seen in survivors: confusion, self-doubt, emotional exhaustion, and post-traumatic stress.
Why Understanding This Matters
Recognizing the split between public and private personas is a crucial step in breaking free from emotional abuse.
- It validates your experience and removes self-blame.
- It helps survivors rebuild trust in their perceptions and emotions.
- It empowers friends and family to see beyond the mask and support victims.
- It guides therapists to design healing approaches that address both emotional trauma and cognitive distortions caused by gaslighting.
Healing From the Dual Reality
Healing is a journey that involves:
- Reconnecting with your body and emotions: Mindfulness and somatic therapy can help soothe the nervous system disrupted by chronic stress.
- Reframing your story: Therapy can help untangle the abuser’s narrative from your reality, strengthening your sense of truth.
- Rebuilding boundaries: Learning to identify and maintain emotional boundaries reduces vulnerability to manipulation.
- Community and validation: Sharing your experience in safe spaces reminds you that you are seen, heard, and believed.
Final Thoughts
“Not the Person You Think They Are” is more than a campaign — it’s an invitation to look beneath the surface, recognize hidden abuse, and reclaim your reality.
If you or someone you love is experiencing this painful contradiction, know this: the pain is real. The confusion is normal. And there is help. You are not alone.
At Linda C J Turner Therapy, we are here to support your healing journey with empathy, neuroscience-informed approaches, and trauma-sensitive care.
