By Linda C J TurnerTrauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
Let’s talk about one of the most painful and confusing relationship dynamics — when someone punishes their partner, cheats, lies, and gaslights, not because you are the problem, but because they are running from their truth.
I’ve worked with countless clients — and spoken with countless more in real life — who found themselves in relationships with partners who were living a double life. Often still married or in long-term relationships, these individuals had not yet come to terms with their own sexual orientation, and instead of facing their inner truth with honesty and integrity, they projected their fear, shame, and self-loathing onto the very people who loved them.
And here’s what that looks like:
- They become emotionally or physically unavailable, yet blame you for being “too needy.”
- They cheat, then justify it by saying you didn’t meet their needs.
- They lie compulsively — about where they go, who they’re with, what they feel.
- They accuse you of being controlling, when really, they’re terrified of being seen.
- They shame you for asking questions, while hiding entire parts of their identity.
- They make you feel crazy for suspecting the truth, when your intuition is screaming.
This is not just betrayal. It’s psychological abuse. And it’s often rooted in internalized shame.
The Psychology of the Closet
For many people still living in denial about their sexuality, the emotional cost is enormous. Society may have told them that being gay, bisexual, or queer is “wrong” or “weak” — so they bury their truth, marry someone of the opposite sex, and try to live up to a version of themselves they wish they could be.
But the body doesn’t lie. Neither does the nervous system.
Living out of alignment with your identity creates constant internal conflict — the brain toggles between survival and performance, hiding and pretending, fear and false pride. Over time, this dissonance becomes unbearable. And rather than facing it, some turn that pain outward — punishing the one person who sees them most clearly: their partner.
The Neuroscience of Self-Deception and Projection
From a neuroscience perspective, when someone is living inauthentically, their limbic system (the emotional brain) stays hyperactive. They are constantly scanning for threat — not necessarily physical threat, but emotional exposure. Being truly seen feels dangerous. Vulnerability becomes intolerable.
Instead of calming the nervous system through honesty and connection, they numb themselves through lies, addiction, sex, secrecy — and they manipulate situations to control how they are perceived.
This is classic projection: the act of disowning one’s inner conflict and assigning it to someone else. “I’m not dishonest — you’re paranoid.”
“I’m not confused — you’re too emotional.”
“I’m not cheating because I’m living a lie — I’m cheating because you’re not enough.”
It’s not about you. It was never about you.
You Deserve the Truth — and So Do They
This isn’t to shame those still finding their way to self-acceptance. Living in fear of rejection is heartbreaking. But there is a fundamental difference between struggling with identity and using that struggle to abuse or control others.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who is living a double life and hurting you in the process, you are not responsible for their truth. You are not their therapist. You are not their rehabilitation centre. You are a human being worthy of honesty, respect, and emotional safety.
And if you’ve been lied to, cheated on, shamed or gaslit by someone who is in denial about their sexuality, please hear this:
- It’s not your fault.
- You didn’t fail to love them enough.
- Their truth does not invalidate your pain.
- And you have the right to walk away — even if they are hurting, too.
Healing Forward
You may need to grieve both the betrayal and the fantasy — the version of your relationship that felt real but wasn’t rooted in truth. You may need to untangle the effects of chronic gaslighting, isolation, or emotional abuse. This is trauma. And healing from it takes time, safety, and support.
But please know: You are not crazy. You were just caught in someone else’s unspoken war.
Let them fight it if they must — but don’t let it destroy you in the process.
If this resonates, you’re not alone. I work with many individuals navigating the aftermath of these deeply confusing and painful relationships. Healing is possible — and clarity is a form of closure.
Your truth is your anchor. Let it guide you home.
With care and compassion,
Linda C J Turner
🧠💔🌈
