By Linda C J TurnerTrauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
Many people assume that coming out is something reserved for teenagers or young adults — something done early in life, loudly and boldly. But the truth is often far more complex. Many individuals find themselves navigating their sexuality later in life, sometimes after years — even decades — of marriage. They may be in relationships that once felt like home, or perhaps never did. And in the quiet spaces of their private lives, they begin to ask the hardest questions:
Who am I, really?
What have I been hiding — and from whom?
And is it too late to live my truth?
The Hidden Burden of a Divided Self
Living a double life — one version of you shown to the world, the other kept safely hidden — takes a heavy toll on the nervous system. Neuroscience shows us that sustained emotional suppression activates a chronic stress response. The brain perceives this concealment as a constant threat to safety and belonging, triggering the amygdala (our internal alarm system) and flooding the body with cortisol and adrenaline.
Over time, this can lead to burnout, anxiety, depression, emotional dysregulation, and even autoimmune symptoms. You may feel exhausted without knowing why. You may find yourself increasingly disconnected from your partner, your children, your friends — and even your own reflection in the mirror.
This isn’t just psychological. It’s physiological. Hiding who you are affects your entire nervous system — because your body knows the truth, even when your mind tries to override it.
Why We Hide: The Psychology of Fear and Protection
Many of us were taught — overtly or subtly — that our sexuality was something to be ashamed of. For those raised in environments of rigid gender norms, religious expectations, or cultural silence, the message was clear: fit in, or be cast out. So we complied. We performed. We got married. We built lives that looked right on the outside, while quietly feeling wrong on the inside.
From a psychological lens, this is a form of fawning — a trauma response where we mould ourselves to meet the expectations of others to feel safe. But fawning leads to self-abandonment. You become the master of masking your needs, your desires, and your deepest truth — until even you forget what they are.
But the body remembers. And eventually, the truth knocks on your door. Sometimes it whispers. Sometimes it roars. But it always asks to be heard.
You Are Not Alone — And You Are Not Broken
Coming out while still married can feel like detonating a bomb. There may be children involved, shared homes, reputations, and entire identities woven around a version of yourself that no longer feels authentic. It’s no wonder so many people delay this reckoning, fearing the pain it may cause others — or themselves.
But here’s what I want you to know:
- You are not selfish for wanting to be whole.
- You are not broken because your truth took time to emerge.
- You are not too late to find peace, joy, love — and alignment.
Neuroscience teaches us that the brain is plastic — capable of rewiring itself throughout life. Healing is possible at any age. And emotional intelligence reminds us that we can hold space for multiple truths at once: the grief of what’s ending and the hope of what’s beginning.
Moving Forward: Gentle Steps Toward Coming Out
If you’re standing at this crossroads, know that you don’t have to leap — you can step. Here are a few ways to begin:
1. Name your truth — just to yourself.
Let it live somewhere safely. Write it down. Speak it aloud. Claim it in private before you share it in public.
2. Understand your nervous system.
This process will bring up fear, and that’s okay. Learn to regulate your nervous system through grounding, breathwork, and self-soothing techniques. You are not “crazy” — you are just in survival mode.
3. Seek support.
You do not have to do this alone. Whether through therapy, LGBTQ+ support groups, or safe friends, find someone who can hold your story with compassion and zero judgment.
4. Prepare for mixed emotions.
Coming out isn’t just joyful — it can be messy. You may feel guilt, relief, fear, love, regret, freedom — all at once. This is normal. You’re shedding one skin and stepping into another.
5. Honour your past, even as you release it.
You made the choices you needed to survive. Now, you get to make the choices that will let you thrive.
If this speaks to you — if you are quietly holding this truth and don’t know where to begin — know that there is no “right way” to come out. There is only your way. And it begins with permission: to be honest, to be afraid, and to be free.
I’m here when you’re ready. And you will be ready, in your own time.
With grace and love,
Linda C J Turner
🧠💖🌈
