“He never screamed at the waitress. Never slammed doors at work. Never called his friends names or insulted them in front of others.
But behind closed doors? He was someone else.
And I used to wonder… Is it me? Is it my fault? Does he have anger issues?
No. The truth is harder to face, but also liberating:
It wasn’t uncontrollable rage. It was controlled abuse.“
🧠 Understanding the Myth of “Losing Control”
Society often paints abusive people as those who “snap” or “lose control” in moments of stress. We’ve been conditioned to believe abuse is a result of:
- Mental illness
- Substance use
- Anger problems
- Poor emotional regulation
But here’s the truth that survivors come to realize:
If someone can choose when, where, and to whom they show abusive behavior—then it’s not about inability. It’s about intention.
🎭 The Mask and the Mirror
Abusers often wear a public mask—charming, helpful, even self-deprecating. Behind closed doors, when they believe there are no consequences, the mask comes off.
This duality is not accidental. It’s a calculated way to:
- Maintain a clean reputation
- Discredit the victim if they ever speak out
- Avoid consequences
- Keep their victim questioning reality (“If no one else sees it, maybe it’s me”)
This creates cognitive dissonance in the survivor—how can someone be so lovely with everyone else but so cruel in private?
Answer: because they can control it. They just choose not to when it comes to you.
🔥 It’s Not Mental Illness. It’s Not “Losing It.” It’s Power and Control.
Let’s be clear:
- Mental illness doesn’t make someone abusive.
- Anger problems don’t selectively target intimate partners.
- Trauma history may explain behavior, but it never excuses it.
Abuse is a choice.
A strategic, self-serving choice to exert power over someone more vulnerable, more trusting, more invested.
If the same person can:
- Stay composed with their boss
- Smile at neighbors
- Be respectful to friends
- Keep their hands to themselves in public…
But then rage, threaten, belittle, or gaslight at home?
That is not inability to manage anger. That is deliberate control over how and when they show it.
💬 Common Questions Survivors Ask:
“But sometimes he seemed genuinely sorry. Does that mean it wasn’t intentional?”
Remorse doesn’t mean the abuse wasn’t intentional. It means the abuser is trying to repair the damage just enough to avoid losing control over you.
“He said it was because he was triggered. Isn’t that valid?”
Everyone has triggers. Not everyone becomes abusive. Being triggered is an explanation, not a justification. A regulated adult takes responsibility.
“He was so calm in front of others. Why did I get the worst of him?”
Because abusers often save their worst for the people closest to them—the ones they feel entitled to control. Your love, loyalty, and proximity made you an easier target—not a deserving one.
🔄 Why This Truth Matters
When we see abuse as intentional, it gives survivors their power back. No more trying to be “less triggering.” No more walking on eggshells. No more therapy hoping they’ll change.
Instead, we begin to ask the real questions:
- Why did they choose to hurt me?
- What did they gain from keeping me small?
- And how can I reclaim myself now that I see the truth?
💬 Social Media Engagement Caption:
💡 If they can act kind, calm, and respectful in public—but become controlling or cruel behind closed doors—it’s not about anger.
It’s about power.
And power, when misused, is abuse.You didn’t cause it.
You couldn’t fix it.
You were targeted because you cared.🔁 Share if you’ve ever been told “he just has anger issues” when you knew deep down:
He didn’t lose control. He gave himself permission.💬 Let’s talk about it in the comments—how did you realise it wasn’t just stress or trauma, but a pattern?
🔚 Final Words:
You are not the reason they abused.
You are not the container for their pain.
You are not responsible for hiding their secrets.
You are the one who saw behind the mask—and that makes you powerful.
You’re not broken. You were targeted. And now, you are awakening.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
