At first glance, it may seem puzzling or even incomprehensible why someone would choose—or remain—in a relationship with an abuser. Abuse is harmful, controlling, and often terrifying. Yet, the reality is layered, nuanced, and deeply human.
1. Early Attachment Patterns Shape Relationship Choices
From infancy, our brains are wired to seek connection and attachment. When early attachments are insecure, inconsistent, or traumatic, individuals may unconsciously repeat these patterns later in life, drawn to what feels “familiar” even if it’s painful.
- Someone raised in a family where control or emotional manipulation was normal might unconsciously seek partners who replicate that dynamic because it feels known, even if it’s unhealthy.
- This phenomenon is often referred to as repetition compulsion—a drive to reenact early relational experiences in an attempt to master or resolve past wounds.
2. Low Self-Esteem and Internalized Shame
Abuse often targets self-worth. Many who enter or stay in abusive relationships struggle with feelings of inadequacy, shame, or believing they don’t deserve better treatment.
- They may feel unworthy of love or kindness and believe abuse is the best they can expect.
- This internalized negative self-view can cloud judgment and limit perceived options.
3. Promises of Change and the Hope for Better
Abusers often alternate cruelty with periods of charm, remorse, or promises to change. These moments can create hope and foster emotional bonds despite the harm.
- The cycle of abuse—tension building, incident, reconciliation, calm—can be confusing and addictive.
- Survivors may hold on to the hope that the abuser will truly change or that their love can “fix” the person.
4. Isolation and Manipulation
Abusers frequently isolate their partners from friends, family, and support systems, making it harder to recognize abuse or seek help.
- Manipulation tactics such as gaslighting cause victims to doubt their perceptions, memories, and feelings.
- Over time, the victim’s world narrows, increasing dependency on the abuser.
5. Fear and Safety Concerns
Leaving an abuser can be dangerous, and fear of escalation, retaliation, or loss (financial, social, custody) can keep someone tethered.
- Even entering the relationship might have been influenced by coercion, pressure, or threats.
- For many, the risks of leaving feel overwhelming compared to the challenges of staying.
6. Cultural and Societal Factors
Cultural norms, religious beliefs, economic dependence, or community pressures may discourage leaving or empower staying in harmful situations.
- Victims might fear stigma, shame, or ostracization if they disclose abuse.
- Economic dependence or lack of resources can make independence seem impossible.
7. Emotional Complexity and Trauma Bonding
The emotional connection to an abuser is complicated and often involves a psychological phenomenon called trauma bonding—where intense highs and lows create powerful attachments.
- This bond can feel as strong as or stronger than healthy attachments.
- Survivors may feel confused by their love and loyalty despite the abuse.
The Psychological Importance of Compassion and Understanding
It’s critical to approach this question without judgment or blame. Choosing or staying in an abusive relationship is rarely about a simple decision—it is shaped by trauma, survival instincts, love, hope, fear, and sometimes lack of alternatives.
Supporting someone in this situation means recognizing the complexity, validating their feelings, and gently offering resources, empowerment, and safe pathways forward.
Reflective Questions to Consider
- What early relationship patterns or beliefs might influence your or someone else’s choices?
- How do hope, fear, and love interact in your feelings toward a partner?
- What resources or support networks are accessible to you or your loved one?
- How can self-compassion and professional support aid in recognizing unhealthy dynamics?
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
