After decades of emotional manipulation and confusion, I’ve learned what I don’t want — and in that space, I’ve finally discovered what I need.
I don’t want to chase anyone ever again.
I don’t want to be left guessing how someone feels, where I stand, or if I’m enough.
I don’t want vague answers, cold silences, or half-truths.
I don’t want a partner who disappears emotionally — who doesn’t spend time with me, who doesn’t dream with me, who doesn’t share my passions.
Maybe it sounds like a tall order to some.
But after decades of surviving emotional abuse, I now understand — it’s not a “tall order.”
It’s basic emotional safety.
It’s secure attachment.
It’s what I deserve.
🧠 The Neuroscience of Safe Love
Psychologically and neurologically, we are wired for co-regulation — the deep emotional safety that comes when we are with someone who is emotionally present, truthful, and available. When we don’t have that, our brains go into fight-or-flight.
- When you’re always guessing how someone feels, your amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) is constantly triggered.
- When your partner lies or withdraws, your nervous system dysregulates, making you feel anxious, insecure, and unsafe.
- When someone shows up inconsistently, it activates the same trauma circuits as abandonment, creating deep emotional distress.
Love isn’t meant to feel like anxiety.
Healthy connection literally calms the nervous system.
It allows your brain to shift from survival mode into trust, creativity, and joy.
So no — you’re not asking for too much when you say you want someone who:
- Tells the truth
- Makes you feel safe
- Spends quality time
- Shares in your joys and dreams
- Loves you openly and without games
You’re asking for someone who allows your nervous system to rest.
And that is the foundation of real, lasting love.
❤️ The Psychology of Real Connection
From a psychological perspective, relationships thrive on attachment security. Secure people do not:
- Leave you hanging
- Withhold affection or communication
- Punish you with silence
- Play power games
- Make you feel small
Instead, they show up.
They share their world with you.
They invite you into their life — not just as a partner, but as a trusted equal.
When you’ve been conditioned through abuse, your compass can feel broken. You may have confused intensity for love, emotional starvation for passion, inconsistency for depth. But now, you’re healing. And you know what you need: consistency, truth, connection, joy.
That’s not unrealistic.
That’s not too much.
That’s healthy love — and it exists.
🕊️ Final Thought
The world may tell you to lower your standards. To “be more realistic.” But I believe that when you’ve done the hard work of healing — when you’ve reclaimed your life from the shadows of abuse — you don’t shrink anymore.
You expand.
You rise.
You ask for what your soul deserves.
And from that place of clarity, you stop trying to fix, chase, or beg.
You simply wait for someone who matches your peace — not your wounds.
Because from now on, you don’t want the chase.
You want calm.
You want truth.
You want love — and you want it voluntarily given, not painfully extracted.
And you’re right:
That’s what you need.
And that’s what you deserve.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
