There was a time I truly thought I wouldn’t survive.
Not just physically — but emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.
A time when I believed no one would ever believe me.
When I thought it was my fault for staying.
When I hoped, prayed, pleaded for him to leave, but I couldn’t make it happen.
Because no matter what I did, or said, or how much I tried to protect myself…
There was no stopping him.
He looked frail in court. He played frail in court.
Illness. Weakness. The victim.
But behind closed doors?
He was strong. Powerful. Sharp. Unrelenting.
And when he was angry — terrifying.
There’s something indescribably disturbing about looking into the eyes of someone who is meant to love you… and seeing nothing.
No light. No warmth.
Just a hollow, dark, empty stare.
From a psychological perspective, this moment is one of profound dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is what happens when our brain tries to reconcile two opposing truths:
đź’ This person is supposed to love me
đź’ This person is hurting me, and I see no remorse in their eyes
That “blank” or “dead” look in the eyes? It’s often described by survivors of abuse.
And neuroscience helps us understand why it feels so terrifying.
When you’re in danger, your amygdala — your brain’s alarm system — goes into overdrive.
It sends out the signal: freeze, flee, or fight.
But when the threat is someone you once trusted… someone you’ve loved…
Your brain short-circuits.
And then there’s trauma bonding — the psychological trap that forms when abuse is mixed with moments of affection, apology, or dependency.
You cling to the version of them that once smiled, once held your hand, once said “I love you” — and when that person disappears and the darkness takes over, it’s more than terrifying. It’s confusing. Disorienting. Paralyzing.
Because we’re not just fighting for safety.
We’re fighting for clarity.
When survivors say things like “I saw nothing in his eyes,” it’s not exaggeration. It’s the brutal experience of emotional detachment and calculated cruelty.
And it breaks something deep inside.
But here’s what I want every survivor to know:
🌱 You weren’t imagining it.
🌱 You didn’t “provoke” it.
🌱 You’re not weak for staying.
🌱 You were surviving the best way you knew how.
And now? You are surviving.
You’re learning. Reclaiming.
Waking up from the fog and beginning to see yourself clearly again.
There was a time when I thought I wouldn’t make it.
But now — I write, I speak, I live.
And I carry this truth not as shame, but as proof:
I came through the darkness.
I saw the hollow eyes of cruelty…
And still, I chose life.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
