For a long time, I thought I understood what a relationship was supposed to feel like.
I thought walking on eggshells, silencing my needs, and shrinking myself to keep the peace was normal. I believed that being ignored, gaslit, and constantly questioned was just part of love. I adapted, I endured, and I survived — not realizing that what I was living through wasn’t love. It was control. It was emotional abuse.
It’s only now, as I step into a new chapter of my life — one rooted in healing and authenticity — that I see just how far from normal that past really was.
Because now, for the first time, I’ve experienced what it means to be with someone who genuinely listens.
Someone who encourages me to speak my truth.
Someone who wants to hear my dreams and aspirations, and not just hear them, but support them.
Someone who doesn’t compete with my light, but helps it grow.
Someone who puts my needs on the table alongside theirs, not underfoot.
I never knew it could be like this.
A Psychological Perspective: Why We Accept Less
When we experience prolonged emotional abuse, especially in intimate relationships, our nervous system becomes wired to accept it as the status quo. The brain adapts to survive — not to thrive.
We normalize chaos.
We confuse control with care.
We tolerate silence, manipulation, or criticism because they are familiar — and familiarity often feels safe, even when it’s not.
Psychologically, this is called trauma bonding — the emotional attachment formed through repeated cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement. We begin to equate unpredictability with passion, and tension with love. Over time, this distorts our inner compass and makes healthy connection feel foreign — even undeserved.
The Neuroscience of Healing Relationships
But here’s the good news: the brain can rewire.
With safety, consistency, and genuine emotional attunement, the nervous system starts to shift out of survival mode.
When we are truly listened to — when someone meets our vulnerability with presence instead of punishment — it activates what neuroscience calls the ventral vagal system (part of the parasympathetic nervous system). This is where calm, connection, and co-regulation live.
Over time, new relationships that offer safety and mutual respect help us rebuild trust in ourselves.
We begin to feel safe speaking our needs.
We stop apologizing for taking up space.
We learn that our dreams matter — and so do we.
Being with someone who sees and celebrates your potential doesn’t just feel good — it literally changes the way your brain operates.
It calms your nervous system.
It enhances emotional resilience.
It helps you regulate stress, sleep better, and think more clearly.
It fosters hope.
A New Narrative
This is not just about falling in love with someone else — it’s about re-learning how to be in loving connection with yourself.
You deserve a relationship where your voice is heard, your joy is celebrated, and your growth is supported — not stifled.
If you’re reading this and something in your gut says, this isn’t what I have, please know: you are not overreacting. You’re awakening.
And you are not alone.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
