When people ask, “Why didn’t she just leave?”, they reveal a fundamental misunderstanding of trauma psychology.
Because when someone is trapped in an abusive relationship, fear is not just an emotion — it’s a survival strategy.
Let’s break it down:
🔒 Fear Keeps People Trapped
- Fear of the Unknown
Even if the relationship is abusive, it’s familiar. Victims often face emotional, financial, or social isolation, and the thought of starting over — possibly with children, no support network, and shattered confidence — is terrifying.
The abuse becomes their “normal.” - Fear of Retaliation
Many abusers use threats, coercion, and violence to stop their partner from leaving. “If you leave me, I’ll make your life hell.”
This fear is not imagined. It’s real. And sadly, many women are killed after they attempt to leave. - Survival Mode
Years of trauma condition the brain to prioritize one thing: safety in the moment. That often means walking on eggshells, appeasing the abuser, keeping the peace.
Leaving feels like the riskiest thing in the world — because for many, it is.
🧠 The Psychology of a Trauma Bond
A trauma bond forms when cycles of abuse are followed by affection, apologies, and moments of tenderness. The brain clings to those crumbs of kindness as hope — as proof that things can change.
It’s the same psychological pattern seen in hostage situations. Victims confuse survival with love.
And tragically, many never escape.
📊 The Deadly Cost of Silence — Spain’s Reality
In Spain, the statistics are stark and heartbreaking:
- In 2023 alone, 58 women were murdered by their partner or ex-partner, according to the Spanish Government Delegation for Gender Violence.
- Over 50% of these women had never filed a police report.
- Since official data collection began in 2003, more than 1,250 women have been killed by gender-based violence in Spain.
Silence is deadly.
🚨 Why Speaking Out Can Save Your Life
Some women stay because they feel they need protection — ironically, sometimes from the very person hurting them.
This is why it’s vital to involve the police or a local domestic violence organization. In Spain, that includes:
- 📞 016 – A free, confidential helpline that doesn’t appear on phone bills
- 🚨 Immediate danger? Call 112
- 👩⚖️ Specialized protection services and restraining orders are available
- 🛑 Victims have legal rights to emergency accommodation, psychological support, and legal aid
🧡 If You Are Afraid, You Are Not Alone
Fear is real. But help is too.
No one should die because they were too afraid to speak.
No one should stay silent because the world told them to be quiet or strong.
Strength is not silence. Strength is speaking up. Strength is surviving — and then thriving.
Whether you are a survivor, a supporter, or someone just beginning to question your relationship — know this:
Your voice could save your life. Or someone else’s.
🧡 Speak out. Get help. There is a way out. And there is life beyond the fear.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
