Understanding & Healing Cognitive Dissonance in Abusive Relationships
One of the most perplexing and painful experiences for survivors of abuse is the mental tug-of-war that happens long after the bruises fade.
You know the relationship is harmful.
You know you’re not safe.
And yet… part of you still misses them, still loves them, or doubts yourself.
This inner conflict isn’t weakness—it’s cognitive dissonance.
💡 What Is Cognitive Dissonance?
Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a person holds two or more conflicting beliefs or values at the same time.
In the context of abuse, it might look like this:
- “He says he loves me” vs. “He hurts me.”
- “She’s charming and kind” vs. “She isolates and humiliates me.”
- “They’ve done terrible things” vs. “I remember the good times and I miss them.”
This internal clash creates psychological discomfort, and the brain instinctively wants to resolve that discomfort—even if it means rationalizing the abuse or minimizing the danger.
💔 Why Cognitive Dissonance Keeps Victims Trapped
Abusers are masters of manipulation, often alternating cruelty with affection, blame with praise. This intermittent reinforcement creates confusion and fosters trauma bonds—a deep emotional attachment to the person who is hurting you.
Victims may:
- Justify the abuse (“It’s not always this bad.”)
- Blame themselves (“If I were better, they’d treat me better.”)
- Cling to hope (“Maybe they’ll change. They said they would.”)
This mental fog is not a character flaw—it’s a survival mechanism, formed under emotional duress and psychological coercion.
🛠️ How We Work with Cognitive Dissonance in Therapy
1. Name It to Tame It
Helping the client identify cognitive dissonance is the first empowering step. Once they understand that their confusion is a natural psychological reaction, not madness or weakness, they often feel immediate relief.
Use language like:
“It makes perfect sense that part of you still loves them. That part was groomed to believe love means pain.”
2. Psychoeducation on Trauma Bonds & Intermittent Reinforcement
We explain how the cycle of abuse—love bombing, devaluation, and discard—creates emotional confusion. Survivors often say:
“I don’t understand why I miss someone who hurt me.”
Therapists can gently reframe this:
“You’re missing the version of them they created to keep you hooked—not the person they consistently were.”
3. Parts Work (IFS or Inner Dialogue Techniques)
Many survivors feel torn between the part of them that wants to leave and the part that longs to stay. Using Internal Family Systems (IFS) or inner child/inner adult work can help these parts dialogue safely, reducing shame and conflict.
Ask:
“Can we give voice to the part that still believes they loved you? What does that part need right now?”
4. Reality Testing & Reframing
Encourage clients to journal about events objectively. Use prompts like:
- “What happened?”
- “How did it make me feel?”
- “How would I view this if it happened to my child or friend?”
This helps the brain build new, aligned beliefs:
“Love shouldn’t hurt.”
“I am not to blame for someone else’s cruelty.”
5. Building Cognitive and Emotional Safety
Therapy must also create an internal and external sense of safety, so the client can start trusting their intuition again. When someone has been gaslit for years, trusting themselves is revolutionary.
Use grounding, nervous system regulation, and emotional validation often:
“Your feelings are real. You are not overreacting.”
🌿 Final Thoughts: Dissonance Is Not a Sign of Weakness—It’s a Sign You’re Human
Cognitive dissonance keeps many survivors emotionally tethered to their abuser long after they’ve left—or delays leaving in the first place.
Healing dissonance isn’t about flipping a mental switch. It’s about gently unwinding the lies, contradictions, and manipulations that distorted your sense of love and safety.
With compassionate, trauma-informed support, survivors can begin to realign their mind and heart—until love no longer means suffering, and confusion gives way to clarity.
🕊️ If this resonates with you or someone you care about, please know: healing is possible. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are waking up.
#CognitiveDissonance #TraumaTherapy #EmotionalAbuseAwareness #IFS #HealingJourney #GaslightingRecovery
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
